By Danielle Koprowski

Imagine a world in which you would feel safe expressing yourself freely. Expressing all of the emotions that we normally suppress while in public. What if we all felt safe to express ourselves, our deepest pains and our greatest joys, no matter where we were?

I got a question from a mom about allowing children to emote in public. She wrote, “most people seem to believe that allowing a child to emote in public or in a house with neighbors within earshot is disrespectful to others and disturbing their peace.” This may be true but let us consider why. It is only because so many of us were emotionally suppressed as children.  We continue that suppression as adults, consequently many hold this belief and are uncomfortable with the natural expression of emotional life.

The possibility that others around me are uncomfortable with strong emotions is not good enough reason for me to discourage my child’s emotional expression. In fact, I think it is good reason to encourage it. For me to be the example of the world  I would like to create, the world imaged above. My example could inspire others.

I can not know if my example will affect those around me, but I do know, that the world we create for our children can be a place where it is safe to express freely, a place where they are met with compassion and understanding.

Danielle Koprowski
Free To Be Parenting Support
ACPI Certified Coach for Parents
www.freetobeparenting.com

By Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D.

The issue/debate about reforming our healthcare system has dominated
our news media for a very long time.  One aspect of such reform is to
encourage “prevention.”  Very little attention has been paid to
strengthening each individual’s natural healing system.

“The greatest force in the human body is the natural drive of the
body to heal itself…” wrote Norman Cousins after he had recovered
from a “terminal” illness.  Certainly, medicine, professional
diagnosis and treatment are important, sometimes vital, aspects of
becoming well.  But medical science still remains ignorant as to
precisely why some people “spontaneously” heal while others succumb to
disease.  Indeed, the healing process itself remains a rather
mysterious event.

We do know however, that the individual person has a lot more power
and control over his or her own healing than was ever acknowledged
before.  Here are some “hints” which might help you realize your own
power and ability to help you heal.

1.  Practice acceptance of your illness.  Acceptance of your illness
is not the same as resigning yourself to it.  Resignation can lead to
depression and depression is not a very healing attitude.  When you
are ill, acceptance of disease as a part of you at the moment, will
allow you to create in yourself the atmosphere of caring, tenderness,
and love in which your illness is more likely to heal.  It also allows
energy to be freed for other activities, other interests, other
thoughts to remain a part of your life, even while “being sick.”

2.  View illness not as a loss, but as an opportunity for new growth
and development.  If a starfish loses one of its “arms,” it merely
goes about growing another.  If a salamander loses its tail, its
primitive nervous system begins regenerating another immediately.
Certainly our human nervous systems are more sophisticated than those
of a starfish or salamander.  When we heal, we grow new tissue, new
nerves, and new cells.  Why not grow new ideas, new attitudes, new
ways of viewing ourselves and the world, and new loves, while you are
also healing physically?  If you begin to grow psychologically in
response to your losses, you may just not need to have a physical
illness in order to evolve or grow.

3.  See your illness as your body’s attempt to redirect your life in
a positive direction.  Avoid harshly judging your illness and
resenting your body for having it.  Avoid judging yourself altogether!
Your body is always valiantly trying to be well.  It has powerful
tools in its biochemical, cellular, and nervous repertoire to regain
its healthful balance.  If you are positive and peaceful about your
own ability to be well, then illness just becomes a “redirection” of
your life.  Someone once said, “Illness is God’s way of getting your
attention!” Pay attention to that message and allow it to redirect
your life.

4.  Realize that death is not a disease, and it is not a failure.
The death rate for all living beings is still one hundred per cent.
If staying alive is your only goal, you will most certainly fail at
attaining it.  Once you begin to accept the inevitability of your own
death and realize you only have a limited amount of time to experience
being alive, you begin to become aware you might as well enjoy (as
best as you possibly can) the moment-to-moment experience of
aliveness, including your illness or pain,.

5.  Avoid making physical wholeness your goal.  Nobody exists with a
perfect physical body.  Our functioning varies from moment to moment
and certainly from day to day.  A lot of people heal into peace of
mind and self-love, without ever becoming physically well.  Perhaps
making your goals your own inner peace, your own ability to forgive
and love yourself just might promote your healing a lot faster than
self-hate, self-criticism, and resentment toward your illness.  Use
your illness as a situation to learn about hope, love, acceptance,
forgiveness, peace of mind, openness to living, and mindfulness to the
moment.  In doing so, you just may make the disease remit in the
process.

6.  Our bodies respond to self-love and the love sent to us by
others.  If you send your own body loving messages, and if you are
open to receive the love of others, your body’s immune system responds
with something like “Hey, this person likes being alive, lets get to
work and fight for his or her life with all the power and energy we
can muster.” Negative thoughts produce certain chemicals in our
bodies…positive thoughts produce another kind of chemicals.  The
latter strengthens the immune system.  The former weakens it.

       7. Finally, use your body, use the life in your body to love.
Loving is the only path to immortality.  Your love lives on long after
you physically die.  If you spend most of your life hating, you spend
most of it dying.  If you spend it loving, you leave a legacy of peace
and development to all those persons you touch with your love.  A
legacy of love.  What a gift to offer future generations!  Spend most
of your life loving and you will only spend a few brief moments dying.

You have a lot more influence and control over how you heal from any
disease.  Perhaps following the above tips will at least, increase
your personal awareness of that powerful influence we all possess.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Dr. Thomas is a licensed psychologist, author, speaker, and life
coach.  He serves on the faculty of the International University of
Professional Studies. He recently co-authored (with Patrick Williams)
the book: “Total Life Coaching: 50+ Life Lessons, Skills and
Techniques for Enhancing Your Practice…and Your Life!” (W.W. Norton
2005) It is available at your local bookstore or on Amazon.com.

Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D. has 30+ years experience as a Life Coach and
Licensed Psychologist.  He is available for coaching in any area
presented in “Practical Life Coaching” (formerly “Practical
Psychology”).  Initial coaching sessions are free.  E-mail: DrLloyd@CreatingLeaders.com or LJTDAT@aol.com.

by Danielle Koprowski

Much of the parenting advice of today tells us to use praise to get our children to repeat the behaviors that are desirable to us and to build self-esteem. As many of you know, I believe the use of praise to manipulate children may work, but it has many unintended and undesirable consequences.

One of the many consequences of praising kids is that it gets them focused on someone else’s value judgement of what they are doing rather than on the intrinsic value of the behavior. From the child’s perspective, the message is I’ve pleased you and apparently it is important that I please others.

Children who are praised in this way grow up not being able to trust their own judgement and always caring about what others will think of them. (What I think of myself is not good enough, I have to get others approval to be okay.) As adults this shows up as, what will the neighbors think or what will so & so think. Many of us spend our lives hiding our true selves from everyone because we so fear the judgement we received as children.

Praise may work for parents when kids are young because it is our approval they are seeking, but when they get into the teen years, it is no longer our approval that is most important to them. 

(There are many other effects of praise, too many to list in this brief format, for more information see Alphie Kohn’s site)

There is praise that does work to build self esteem and create a stronger connection to our kids. One example is just naturally celebrating with them their joy or excitement about something they have done.

But the most important kind of praise is the kind you give your children when they have done nothing. When you look at your child in a passive moment, the love you feel swells in your chest and you express to them how deeply you love them and how grateful you are that they are in your life.

When would now be the time for that kind of praise?

Danielle Koprowski
Free To Be Parenting Support
ACPI Certified Coach for Parents
www.freetobeparenting.com

I took my son and his cousin to the arboretum last week and as we were making the half mile trek to one of the exhibits, there was much discussion among the children about who was going to lead the way. There was some disagreement and one of the kids said to the other, “You’re not the boss of me.”

At that point I was requested to respond and I confirmed to them that neither was the boss of the other and that I knew they could find a way to work it out, which they did.

Later that evening, my son was sitting on my lap cuddling and he said, “You’re not the leader of me.” I said, “Well actually, I am the leader of you. I am not the boss of you, but I am the leader of you.” He thought for a moment and he said, “Ohhhh.” It seemed like he really got it. It also clicked for me as well.

Our charge is not to be the boss of our children, but to be the leader. We provide our leadership almost completely by our example, that is our modeling. It is also our job as leaders to govern our child’s environment. (ie- keeping only healthy food in the house)

What can we do today to be the leader we want our kids to follow?

Danielle Koprowski
Free To Be Parenting Support
ACPI Certified Coach for Parents
www.freetobeparenting.com

By Danielle Koprowski

Have you got this all figured out yet?

I know I haven’t, but I have found a few pieces to the puzzle. One of the biggest pieces that brings me peace is acceptance. Acceptance is one of the keys to effective parenting and to a graceful life.

Raising children is an organic process, like a flower or a growing tree. We can not force a flower to blossom and we can not force a tree to grow faster. We can provide the optimal conditions that foster growth, but we can not make it happen on our time table.

When our children are being immature (which they should seeing as how they have not matured yet) it is often our resistance to ‘what is’ that is causing us pain. When we are able to shift into acceptance of what is happening, then we can handle our children skillfully with grace.  We can then see solutions to issues that we were blind to before.

For some of us, shifting into acceptance is just a thought away. For others it requires more effort and practice. For many of us, it requires healing of our own issues and past experiences. In any case, acceptance is a powerful place to come from in our lives.

What would have to happen for you to be in place of acceptance of ‘what is’ right now?

Danielle Koprowski
Free To Be Parenting Support
ACPI Certified Coach for Parents
www.freetobeparenting.com

By Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D.

The mental health profession is beginning to recognize the need for
people to include their spiritual life in any treatment or therapy
they might seek.  Until recently, the term “spirit” conjured up
concepts such as ghosts, mental aberrations, religious beliefs or
cults.  Now, however, science is beginning to acknowledge the
importance of body energy, its energy fields and what psychological
factors modify such fields.  Some of these factors have previously
been exclusively the domain of “spiritual” people.  Not so anymore!

The value of a healthy spiritual life is being recognized by almost
everyone who has had any experience addressing the psychological, or
mental and emotional problems of others.  Clinical psychologist and
Buddhist monk, Jack Kornfield, in his book, “A Path With Heart”
writes: “When I began working at a state mental hospital while
studying for my Ph.D., I naively thought I might teach meditation to
some of the patients.  It quickly became obvious that meditation was
not what they needed.

“But then I discovered a whole large population at this hospital who
desperately needed meditation: the psychiatrists, psychologists,
social workers, psychiatric nurses, mental health aides, and others. 
…Not many among these caregivers seemed to know firsthand in their
own psyches the powerful forces that the patients were encountering,
yet this is a very basic lesson in meditation: facing our own greed,
unworthiness, rage, paranoia, and grandiosity, and the opening of
wisdom and fearlessness beyond these forces.  The staff could all have
greatly benefited from meditation as a way of facing within themselves
the psychic forces that were unleashed in their patients.  From this
they would have brought a new understanding and compassion to their
work and their patients.”

All traditional spiritual paths, some practiced for thousands of
years, seek to transform and liberate consciousness.  There are
generally two very different approaches on how to accomplish this. 
One traditional view teaches that we need to attain profoundly altered
states of consciousness in order to discover a “transcendent” vision
of what life is all about.  The stereotype of this spiritual seeker is
one who goes to the cave or mountaintop, withdraws from the world,
meditates for hours on end, and finally becomes “enlightened.” This
view is referred to as the “transcendent path of spirituality.” And
certainly, the value of this way is the great inspiration and forceful
vision it can bring to our lives.

The second great spiritual view is called the “path of spiritual
immanence.  This school teaches that one needs to bring the value of
spiritual awakening down from the mountain and inject it in every
moment of our daily lives.  It believes that we need to infuse our
whole life with a sense of the sacred and truly live from moment to
moment fully involved in the daily activities we each encounter.

Both of these spiritual traditions, have certain psychologically
beneficial and healthy aspects.  Almost any spiritual tradition
contains certain “truths” and methods for realizing them.

Regardless of which religious or mystical path one chooses, the
benefits one derives from pursuit of a spiritual practice can include:

—-The development of compassion for self and others.  Such
compassion is based not on seeking some ideal of perfection.  Rather
it is simply based on the capacity to “Let go and to love, to open the
heart to all that Is.”

——The strengthening of the human virtues of kindness, patience,
flexibility, self–awareness and self–acceptance, understanding,
wisdom and knowledge.

——Probably the best psychological benefit of spiritual pursuits
is the loss of fear.  As one’s spiritual life evolves, his fear
diminishes.  Almost all common psychological problems are
fundamentally based on fear.  Lose your fear, and you become
spiritually well.  Become spiritually mature and you lose your fear.

As a mental health professional, I can attest to the value of these
traditional spiritual endeavors.  Hopefully, we will continue to seek
out their benefits to us as living beings.  Perhaps we are actually
spiritual beings creating a physical experience, rather than a
physical being seeking a spiritual experience.  Wouldn’t that shift in
perception transform your life?! Such a transformation in everyone’s
self-concept might just save the human species from extinction.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Dr. Thomas is a licensed psychologist, author, speaker, and life
coach.  He serves on the faculty of the International University of
Professional Studies. He recently co-authored (with Patrick Williams)
the book: “Total Life Coaching: 50+ Life Lessons, Skills and
Techniques for Enhancing Your Practice…and Your Life!” (W.W. Norton
2005) It is available at your local bookstore or on Amazon.com.

Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D. has 30+ years experience as a Life Coach and
Licensed Psychologist.  He is available for coaching in any area
presented in “Practical Life Coaching” (formerly “Practical
Psychology”). E-mail: DrLloyd@CreatingLeaders.com or LJTDAT@aol.com.

Nice to see some press for the dads!

“Having a father help with the child-rearing is important. Having a mother back him is more important.”

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/03/health/03dads.html

This article is a serious discussion of Parental Alienation Syndromeand parental alienation generally (U.S. News and World Report, 10/29/09).  Although it tends to elide the difference between the two, it’s balanced, doesn’t promote an agenda, but does understand the reality of PAS and the pain it can cause.  As the article shows, parental alienation can come in a variety of forms, from the unintentional and trivial to the malicious and psychologically damaging. Full story

#mce_temp_url#

http://mensnewsdaily.com/glennsacks/2009/10/31/international-group-of-scientists-to-push-for-pas-inclusion-in-dsm/

By Danielle Koprowski

None of us have any guarantees about how much time we have in this life, nor how much time we will have with our children.

As I write this, I am 24 hours from having gotten one of those phone calls you never want to get. The news was that my 21 year old nephew’s physical life had come to an end in a car accident.

On reading something like this I imagine many of you are thinking, well, was he drinking? Maybe he was a careless driver? Oh, maybe he didn’t wear a seat belt? None of these were the case, but it is our desire to figure out what went wrong, trying to make sense of the situation in hopes of avoiding the outcome ourselves.

Isn’t that where most of us go, the futile attempt to control the uncontrollable? I wasted some time there, but very little. I can see that no amount of understanding is going to change the outcome, nor prevent any future occurrence. After I pass these thoughts, I ask the questions that have power and bearing.

What can I learn from this? Will I be closer with my family? Will I let go of small things in view of this big picture? Will I cherish more deeply the people in my life? How grateful am I that I got to know this wonderful man? How lucky that I saw him grow up? How lucky that I got to know the beautiful spirit that he is?

I recognize that my sister’s / my family’s grief and anguish are deep. That our sorrow needs expression and may be with us for a long, long time. But how awesome is it that we had this beautiful boy in our lives for 21, close to 22 years?
 
I hope I can remember the lessons I get from this experience. I hope I will remember to enjoy my son, my husband and the people in my life the way I do right now, knowing that the time is fleeting.

Danielle Koprowski
Free To Be Parenting Support
ACPI Certified Coach for Parents
www.freetobeparenting.com

By Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D.

Effective communication is the foundation for all satisfactory
relationships.  Daily communication is the only activity that has been
found to be common to all satisfying marital relationships.  Truthful
communication is the basis for the development of “basic trust” (the
primary emotion for healthy parent/child relationships).  Most all
leaders are gifted communicators.  Without successful communication,
we don’t become fully human.  Our language skills are what separates
us from all other species.

By the time we become adults, most of us have experienced (or have
personally developed) barriers to effective communication.  These
barriers distort/prevent our communication abilities.  Here are some
of the most common barriers to effective communication.

PASSIVITY. Communication requires energy. It requires initiation and
responsiveness. If you remain passive, communication is slow at best.

DOMINANCE. If you dominate the communication process, it becomes a
“one-way street”, and prevents responses. Domination may be by words,
behavior, tone, threat, perceived authority, or manipulation.

INAPPROPRIATE SELF-DISCLOSURE. Talking about yourself rather than
responding from yourself, usually changes the subject or focus of the
communication.

INTERROGATION OR GRILLING. Protecting yourself from meaningful
contact by any one of the following patterns:

 a.  Internal taboo against crying (emotional expression).
 b.  Talking exclusively about safe topics.
 c.  Avoiding your own uncomfortable issues.
 d.  Offering false reassurance.
 e.  Emotionally detaching from the topic or person.
 f.  Intellectualization (a common favorite).

USING CRUDE LANGUAGE. May be powerful, but usually turns others off.

USING JARGON. Using words that belong exclusively to your area of
expertise… “legalese”, medicalese,” or “psychologese.”

MORALIZING OR ADMONISHING. Imposing your own value judgments on
another’s verbalizations or telling another that s/he or the ideas are
wrong, bad, etc.

PATRONIZING. Condescending words, tone, or behavior as if you were
talking to a person of less value than yourself always makes the other
feel defensive and blocks communication.

INEPT CONFRONTATION. Arguing or being dogmatic in your language or
attitude.

PRESSURE TACTICS. Using threat, implied or explicit, to persuade the
other regarding the topic.

INSENSITIVITY TO FEELINGS. Being callous or unaware of your own
feelings as well as the other to whom you are communicating.

As you may have noted from all the above, there are many and varied
behaviors that hinder skillful communication.  As you become more
aware of such barriers, you have the opportunity to avoid engaging in
them.

In a future column, I will list a number of behaviors that
enhance/strengthen effective communication.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D. has 30+ years experience as a Life Coach and
Licensed Psychologist.  He is available for coaching in any area
presented in “Practical Life Coaching” (formerly “Practical
Psychology”).  Initial coaching sessions are free.  E-mail: DrLloyd@CreatingLeaders.com or LJTDAT@aol.com.