by Danielle Koprowski

When children are not delightful to be with, their behavior is telling us they have a need that requires our help. Those needs are Physical, Emotional or Sensitivity/ Temperament Issues. Let’s take a look at emotional needs.
 
Emotional needs (for children and adults)- Here is a partial list: Unconditional love, Loving touch, Affection, Acceptance, Connection, Respect, Feeling heard, Guidance, Safety, Security, Stability, Down time, Play, Self-Esteem, Self-Worth, Sense of belonging, Feeling valued, Friendship, Emotional release of pain, Freedom, Power (control over their life), Trust, Positive role models

That’s a long list and it’s only partial! Can you see why so many people have unmet emotional needs? The two main reasons children have unmet emotional needs are that parent’s have their own unmet needs and that not enough time is spent connecting with children.

One of the first indications that a child is feeling emotionally disconnected is that they begin to be uncooperative. When this happens, it is not bad or wrong, it is just a sign, like a flag going up saying, “My child needs something or My child needs help.” So we ask ourselves (or even the child) what is this behavior telling me? What is it that my child needs?

Is he developing autonomy and needs to feel powerful in his life? Is she hurting and needs to cry about something or release anger (punch a mad pillow)? Does she need to be accepted even when she makes choices I don’t agree with? Does he need some down time after a busy day? Does she need play that includes loving touch and affection? Does he need some focused one on one time?

When you are in the moment, asking the question, it is often mom intuition (or parents intuition) that gives the answers. Trust yourself and your ability to feel out what it is that your child needs.

It is not always so important that we find the answer, what is most important is that we ask the question and look for the root of the behavior rather than punish the behavior. Punishment never solves the problem of unmet needs. If a starving man steals food, can I punish him out of his need for food? No, I can address the need and teach him appropriate ways to get food.

Look again at that list of emotional needs, maybe even print this out and read that list daily. Ask yourself these questions:
What one thing can I do today to meet my own emotional needs?
What one thing can I do today to meet my child’s emotional needs?

Danielle Koprowski
Free To Be Parenting Support
ACPI Certified Coach for Parents
www.freetobeparenting.com

If the smell of beets makes you gag but you simply can’t get enough sour crème and chive potato chips, your Mom may be to blame — and not because of what she fed you growing up. Several studies show that food preferences may be set even before you’re born, as early as 13 weeks after gestation. And those preferences derive from what your Mom ate while you were in the womb. 

Read more at Jon Barron’s Natural Health Blog

…one of several findings in the growing body of research on “self-regulation” — people’s ability to stop, think, make a plan and control their impulses. It’s not a universal skill, as many grown-ups’ credit card bills attest. But it turns out that “these are really the same skills you need to do well in school,” and potentially in life, says Megan McClelland, an Oregon State University professor who studied the game. More important in this back-to-school season, it appears that self-regulation can be taught — though certain practices of modern parenting might not be helping matters. Find original USA TODAY article here  #mce_temp_url#

by Danielle Koprowski

If you missed Decoding Behavior Part 1 or 2

When children are not delightful to be with, their behavior is telling us they have a need that requires our help. Those needs are Physical, Emotional or Sensitivity/ Temperament Issues. Let’s take a look at physical needs.
 
Physical needs- Is my child hungry, tired, overstimulated, understimulated, hot, cold, teething/in pain, sick…? Most of us have a pretty good handle of meeting children’s physical needs, but it is always a good idea to look here first. Sometimes we might be surprised to find unmet physical needs that are driving behaviors.

I recently took my son to a holistic doctor and he did a hair analysis test. I was shocked at the results. My son is totally healthy, has never been to the doctor for any illness, never had ear infection. He has had occasional colds but he recovers quickly. He is full of energy and is developing well cognitively. What’s more, we eat super healthy, 90% organic, most of our food comes from a local farmer and we eat a lot of raw foods. So I assumed, that his results would be good at least.

Oh my surprise to see that his body was not absorbing minerals and his mineral ratios were extremely low. The symptoms of this low ratio included being out-of touch, easily frustrated/ angered and elevated testosterone. My son definitely had those symptoms. He would often become enraged. I had thought that it was a temperament issue and had learned how to handle it gently and support him though it.

We decided to temporarily supplement minerals until we can get him back in balance and address the cause of is mal-absorption. With in one week, I saw a huge difference in his frustration/anger level. Amazing! It is sad that I dealt with this issue for so long without considering that there might be a physical/ nutritional cause. But this is a great example to us all of why it is so important to address our child’s physical needs and consider physical causes for behavior.

Danielle Koprowski
Free To Be Parenting Support
ACPI Certified Coach for Parents
www.freetobeparenting.com

By Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D.

One of the truths about this world is that everything changes. 
The only dynamic that doesn’t change is the process of change itself. 
Coping with change always increases our level of stress.  The stress
response is designed to aid us to cope with change, be it positive or
negative change.

Some changes are predictable and allow us to adapt rather quickly
and without much stress.  Other changes just come at us unexpectedly
and dramatically increase our stress response.

Life altering changes are inevitable and normal. We know that there
is a direct correlation between how we adapt to stress and our health.
Here are some helpful strategies for handling the stress of change.

In his book, “Finding Peace,” Jean Vanier writes, “We can find the
road to hope and peace in our world if we open ourselves to change
…and break down the walls around our hearts.”  Here are 15 simple
but important tips for opening yourself to all the changes that
inevitably occur.  Perhaps some of these tips will help to open you to
adapt to change and “break down the walls around” your heart.  They
might also help you restore a sense of calm and peace of mind.

1.  Predict & plan for change when ever possible.

2.  Address changes issues before they become overwhelming.

3.  Write down and prioritize personal and work-related goals and
tasks.

4.  Be sure to take time for daily physical activity.

5.  Do not skip meals, eat slowly while sitting and rarely (if ever)
resort  to eating “fast food.”

6.  Delegate household chores to other family members or hire someone
to do them.

7.  Take regular short breaks to practice abdominal breathing,
muscular relaxation, or meditation.

8.  Modify all negative thought patterns, and silence your internal
critical dialogue.  We know that what you say to yourself makes a
great difference in your stress level.

9.  Accept that change is constant and inevitable.  It is usually a
sign of growth.

10. Learn to recognize the types of life changes that increase your
stress level and what your specific stress “triggers” are.

11. Learn the warning signs of too much stress, (e.g. anxiety,
disturbed sleep patterns, irritability or unexpected mood swings.

12. Develop and maintain a strong support system of family and
friends you can turn to when major changes occur or your stress level
becomes too high.

13. Identify and practice healthy strategies for dealing with the
changes and stressors that you can influence/control.

14. Strengthen your “resilience skills,” that help you cope well with
changes that you regard as “hardship.”

15. Be compassionate and patient with yourself.  Treat yourself as
you would a loved child.  How well you deal with change/stress is not
a reflection of your character.

You probably already have a large number of skills to manage
your changes and your stress level.  If you are still alive, you have
already managed well the changes in your life before.  It is also
important to keep in mind that during times of great change and
extreme stress or crisis, you need to consider getting professional
help.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Dr. Thomas is a licensed psychologist, author, speaker, and life
coach.  He serves on the faculty of the International University of
Professional Studies. He recently co-authored (with Patrick Williams)
the book: “Total Life Coaching: 50+ Life Lessons, Skills and
Techniques for Enhancing Your Practice…and Your Life!” (W.W. Norton
2005) It is available at your local bookstore or on Amazon.com.

If you found the above column useful, feel free to share it with
friends.

Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D. has 30+ years experience as a Life Coach and
Licensed Psychologist.  He is available for coaching in any area
presented in “Practical Life Coaching” (formerly “Practical
Psychology”).  Initial coaching sessions are free.  E-mail: DrLloyd@CreatingLeaders.com or LJTDAT@aol.com.

by Danielle Koprowski

If you missed Decoding Behavior Part 1

As I said last week, when children’s needs are met and nothing is hurting them, they are delightful to be with.  When they are not being delightful, their behavior is telling us they have a need that requires our help.

So we ask, What is causing this behavior? What does my child need? There are three general types of needs; physical, emotional, and sensitivity or temperament.
 
Physical needs- Is my child hungry, tired, overstimulated, understimulated, hot, cold, teething/in pain, sick…? Most of us have a pretty good handle of meeting children’s physical needs, but it is always a good idea to look here first. Sometimes we might be surprised to find unmet physical needs that are driving behaviors. (More on this in the next newsletter.)

Emotional needs- Here is a partial list of emotional needs: Unconditional love, Loving touch, Affection, Acceptance, Connection, Respect, Feeling heard, Guidance, Safety, Security, Stability, Down time, Play, Self-Esteem, Self-Worth, Sense of belonging, Feeling valued, Friendship, Emotional release of pain, Freedom, Power (control over their life), Trust, Positive role models

Looking at that list from the eyes of a parent, it seems daunting. That we have to provide for all of those needs and often do so when our own needs during childhood went unmet. (We do not and likely can not do this alone.) It is a challenge, but it is also a Great Opportunity. This is our chance for our own personal growth and our chance to change the world. Imagine what we will create as a society when many step into adulthood from a place of emotional fullness.

Sensitivity/ Temperament Needs- Some children have an innate temperament or sensory issues that cause them to feel out of sync. If your child’s physical and emotional needs are met and something is still off or if your intuition is that there is something out of sync about your child, they may have sensitivity issues. There are many ways to help children with these issues and many wonderful books on the subject to help parents.

The next newsletters will explore each of these needs in depth, so we can begin meeting them and enjoying more our delightful children.

Danielle Koprowski
Free To Be Parenting Support
ACPI Certified Coach for Parents
www.freetobeparenting.com

by Danielle Koprowski

Many parents have questions about their child’s behavior. Usually it goes something like this, “How do I get my kid to stop ______ (hitting, whining, yelling, lying…)?” Most of my readers have already concluded that traditional “discipline” (meaning punishment) does not work. That it totally breaks connection with children and weakens our relationship.

So, what do we do? Decode the behavior, begin to look for the cause, the underlying reason for the behavior.

In beginning to decode behavior, it is very useful to shift our mindset about the behavior. Most people have the thought, “my child is being a problem”. The shift we can make here is “my child is having a problem”. It is also useful to add the word need into any question about behavior. Example- Why is my child lying? becomes Why does my child feel the need to lie?

When children’s needs are met and nothing is hurting them, they are delightful to be with. When they are not delightful to be with, they have some need that they are communicating to us through their behavior.

It is not always so important that we figure out exactly what is causing the behavior. What is important is that we come from the understanding that there is a valid reason and we do our best to uncover it. That we ask, What is this behavior telling me? What is it that my child needs?

Continued next week- What are children’s needs?

Danielle Koprowski
Free To Be Parenting Support
ACPI Certified Coach for Parents
www.freetobeparenting.com

Sometimes and maybe all too often we look to experts to tell us what to do. I want to encourage you all to begin to develop your own inner knowing. Gathering information and listening to experts thoughts and ideas can help us to expand our awareness and knowledge, but no one is an expert on you except you. And no one is more of an expert on your child than you.

One of the best tools for developing own own inner knowing is a meditation practice. Having some quiet time, every day if possible, can really help us to be able to get in touch with the calm centered place within ourselves. Even if it is only a few minutes a day, it is worth it to take this time for ourselves. It is more important that it is a regular daily practice than the amount of time we are able to set for it.

Question of the week: How will I benefit from making quiet time a consistent part of each day?

Danielle Koprowski
Free To Be Parenting Support
ACPI Certified Coach for Parents
www.freetobeparenting.com

By Danielle Koprowski

No one can parent well with an empty cup. In order for us to us to meet our kids needs we need for fill our cup first. (Just like an oxygen mask on an airplane.)

What are the things that really fill you up or refresh you? It could be dancing, singing, reading, taking a bath. What ever really works for you.

Most of us need help in order to get our needs met so we can fill our cup. Think about what resources you have, family, friends, Mother’s helpers, baby sitters. Are you using the resources you have available? Do you need more resources? How are you able to develop more resources?

What can you do today to meet your needs or to refresh you?

When would now be the time to fill your cup?

Danielle Koprowski
Free To Be Parenting Support
ACPI Certified Coach for Parents
www.freetobeparenting.com

By Danielle Koprowski

Imagine a world in which you would feel safe expressing yourself freely. Expressing all of the emotions that we normally suppress while in public. What if we all felt safe to express ourselves, our deepest pains and our greatest joys, no matter where we were?

I got a question from a mom about allowing children to emote in public. She wrote, “most people seem to believe that allowing a child to emote in public or in a house with neighbors within earshot is disrespectful to others and disturbing their peace.” This may be true but let us consider why. It is only because so many of us were emotionally suppressed as children.  We continue that suppression as adults, consequently many hold this belief and are uncomfortable with the natural expression of emotional life.

The possibility that others around me are uncomfortable with strong emotions is not good enough reason for me to discourage my child’s emotional expression. In fact, I think it is good reason to encourage it. For me to be the example of the world  I would like to create, the world imaged above. My example could inspire others.

I can not know if my example will affect those around me, but I do know, that the world we create for our children can be a place where it is safe to express freely, a place where they are met with compassion and understanding.

Danielle Koprowski
Free To Be Parenting Support
ACPI Certified Coach for Parents
www.freetobeparenting.com