ACPI is proud to welcome Vanessa Van Petten to talk about Teen Issues.

Hi Vanessa,
I am very concerned about cyberbullying and have read so many recent news summaries about how bullying has changed, can you talk about how bullying has changed so I can talk to my kids about it?
Thank you, Terry

The Internet has changed the playground-bully into the in-my-bedroom-bully. It’s true, the line between school life and home life is gone. Kids can no longer leave the social pressures, cliques, bullies, snoodiness and the other highlights of adolescence at school.

Now the social scene follows students home, into their bedrooms, and can be turned on at any moment. No, in fact it is never turned off, because you never know who is going to post something mean on your wall next. Here, I want to give a brief overview of how bullying has changed for the net-generation so parents are more equipped to handle it and help their kids deal with it. Today, bullying/cyberbullying is:

1) Creative

Options for a bully circa 1980:

-steal lunch money
-call someone names/say mean things to their face
-call someone names/say mean things behind their back
-punch them in the face/kick them/pinch them/ physically assault them
-punch them in the face/kick them/pinch them/ physically assault their friend or usually younger, relative.
-write a nasty note and pass it around class, leave it on their locker
-stick your tongue out at them

Options for a bully today: (just from the news stories I found on bullying alone, I could think of many more that have not been reported on)

“” Everything from above, plus
-write a nasty note or rumor on their facebook wall for everyone to see
-put up embarrassing pictures of the person on your school’s social network
-digitally impose the person’s head onto a naked body and pass it around like it is real
-submit their name/picture to a site like “Hot or Not” for strangers to rate how ugly the person is
-create a website dedicated to how much you hate that person
-bate them into writing a mean/weird IM chat and post it all over MySpace or the school.
-Create a fake user, pretend to be hot, flirt with the person and then break up with them/tell them you hate them/ tell them they are too ugly for you.
-Send mean text messages
-harass their avatars or video game players on gaming websites
It is incredibly sad, but the Internet has brought thousands of ways to bully someone without ever being caught. Parents need to know that their child could be bullied in a number of ways online, through phones and even through video games.

2) Instant

Before, if you got in a fight at school, or found out you were not invited to a party, you were able to come home and vent about to mom/ dad/ sister/ brother, get a snack and cool off. Now, if you are mad at someone, you can instantly send a text message to your social networking profile to post a mean comment. Now there is no ‘off’ time and the second something happens, everyone knows about it because they all get alerts or texts from automated news feeds or plugged-in friends. Teens are checking these services CONSTANTLY, so before what took a few days to spread, now can take a few minutes.

3) Permanent

Some things, like postings on your wall, video, a text message or email, you can delete. Other things, such as photos or social network announcements can be up there forever or until the writer removes them.

Also, even if they post a superimposed picture for five minutes on a school network before it is removed, others can easily download it and repost it or pass it around by email undetected—and as with all gossip, even the most factless based rumors hurt a reputation.

4) Accessible

The whole point of many social networks, texting and websites is to be connected to people you would not normally be connected to. I always say that ‘privacy settings’ should really be called ‘lace curtain settings’ because you never know who is going to get into your profile the back way (MySpace Pedophiles). Before, nerds, jocks or drama queens went to different parties and traveled in different circles. Now, the ‘great connector that is the Internet makes everyone’s personal information and attention accessible on the same sites.

5) Cool

The more popular kids have always made fun of the ‘uncool’ kids, but now bullying is easily made ‘fun’ for everyone. At Juicy Campus, a website all about spreading gossip and rumors, or Hot or Not.com, users can vote on the attractiveness of submitted pictures and make students who would not normally ‘bully’ or gossip attracted to the idea. Hot or Not makes it cool and fun to judge people based on their appearence and is very popular with my generation.

Even Gangs are now using Social Networking Sites to recruit and organize activities…seriously.

6) Buffered

It is really hard to walk up to someone and say to them: “You are a fat slut.” It is much easier to write that on someone’s Facebook wall—which someone did. Technology provides a way for students to be mean even more ‘behind the back.’ Many times, you can even post pictures, videos or send messages anonymously! This has changed the face of bullying because it allows people to be mean and not face the consequences—they can’t get punched back, they can hide it from parents and teachers by posting anonymously and do not have to say it to people, they can simply type a comment in a moment of passion when they are alone in their room!

It is really important to talk about these new aspects of bullying. I bring these issues up with all of the kids I mentor and teen groups I speak to. Make sure to discuss with them the ramifications of letting a friend take a sexy picture, disabling the Facebook wall or what would happen if they got in a fight with a friend.

Also give them resources if they know another student is being bullied. With the recent school shootings, it is important for kids to have a place to anonymously report bullying of any kind. They can do this at: ancomm.com.

I hope that this post has been relevant and informative, be sure to send it to any families or teens who you think might need it.
Stay informed,
Vanessa

Submit your Saturday Advice question to: vvanpetten@rrules.com

By Tara Paterson

One complaint I often hear from parents is how their tween or teen lacks responsibility with regard to picking up after themselves; managing their homework; or taking care of other household or personal responsibilities they might have.  I have to admit, this is a challenge I often have with my husband; so how can we assist our children with developing self directed habits which will also impact their choices when it comes to drugs, alcohol, and sex?

To begin with parents need to set boundaries; and parents, not as they approach their tween or teen years, but when they are young.  Define parameters for your child they can feel comfortable within, boundaries you explain so they understand the reason for them, but which also allows them room to grow.  Children, like adults, don’t like to feel restricted from natural growth and expression.  Children have a very strong need, a biochemical reaction in their body, that needs to be expressed in independent and creative ways.  Often times parents set stringent boundaries out of their own personal fear.  An example I see often whether with clients or friends is the fear of allowing a toddler to climb the stairs.  News flash, they need to learn how to do it and if you stand back and give them room to explore how they will manage such a feat, not only are you building their confidence, but you are giving them the space they need to grow.

Freedom within limits is a very powerful tool in teaching children to self-direct.  Some children will have the natural ability to do this while others will need more hands on parental guidance.  The key is for you, the parent, to tune in intuitively to the needs of your child.  As a child matures into each new stage of development, expand the boundaries so they continue to have room to grow.  When they are old enough to do certain things, let them do it.  Homework is a great example.  By giving your child freedom of choice when it comes to their homework, they develop life long habits which will prepare them for the more difficult experiences such as high school and college.  If your child doesn’t do his work, allow the natural consequences to take effect.  If your child is one that does not like to disappoint a teacher or parent and they fail to do their homework which results in missing recess or having to do it in the principal’s office, the natural consequence will have a great enough impact which will remind them to get it done next time.  If you add to the shame by getting angry or showing your disappointment, they will be less willing to make sure it’s done the next time. Another way to handle grades is to let your child know you care if their grade drops and you would like them to do better, but refrain from getting mad and making a big deal about it.  Empower your child to work harder for themselves, not for you. It is human nature to rebel against what someone else wants; show them how they benefit and I guarantee you will see a shift in the way they approach things.

By setting reasonable limits and expanding boundaries as your child grows, you show them you respect them, trust their abilities and you build their confidence for the choices they will be faced to make.  Allowing natural consequences to occur, they will feel safe enough to come to you if they make the wrong choice and they will understand they have to take accountability and face the music.  As parents it is not our job to prevent our children from going through their experiences in life.  In order to teach children to take responsibility for their actions, they need to be allowed to make choices and self direct their decisions.  Prepare them for the bigger challenges they will face like drugs, alcohol, tobacco, and sex so they will feel confident in making better, healthier choices.  Remember, show them why they benefit from their decision.

This is a tricky subject and different for every family, but I truly believe that every kid who wants to get pot, can.

Therefore, I always tell parents, it is extremely difficult to try to shield a kid today from being exposed to pot because it is so prominent.  I believe parents, and what I do with many of my clients, need to spend their efforts trying to equip kids to make the right choices, so when they are exposed to it, they will choose not to smoke.

To be very honest, no matter how strict a curfew you have, how often you drug test your kids, or whether they are an athlete, a scholar or a jock (see Teens Dealing Urine Post), your kid will always find a way to smoke marijuana if they want to.  They key is making sure they do not want to.

1)    Ask Questions
Before you dive into trying to equip them with the power to ‘say no,’ try to gauge their level of involvement.  Ask the tough questions.  I am not saying to grill them before they go out, but showing them you are paying attention and are very involved is important and you can get an idea of how much or how little you know about their social life.

2)    Listen to the Answers
Most times, when I hear parents talk to their kids, parents do ask questions, but then answer the questions themselves.  A question, and then silence will get you a long way.  For some reason, even after we have already given a one-word answer, if we feel you are still waiting for more, we either get nervous (a sign we are hiding something) or splurge and let our mouths go.  Also look at your kid’s immediate facial response as soon as you ask a question.  We are not as good at hiding our emotions and you might be able to gauge a lot by watching our reaction.

3)    Look at Their Friends
I constantly hear the “well, it’s not my kid because…” response when I do speaking engagements on this topic.  If you feel your child is either an angel or unreadable, look at their friends behavior.  Have they gotten in trouble? Are they the ones who make the decisions where to go on the weekends?  Friend’s behavior means everything in the world of pot.

4)    Talk to Your Friends and Other Parents
Get informed about the pot culture in general and in your specific community.   I post frequently on this topic and what kids are doing right now, so you can stay a step ahead.  I highly recommend getting together with parent friends and talking about what your kids are doing and sharing notes about what they think is going on.

5)    Don’t Lecture!
If you think we are doing pot, dabbling in pot, seeing it at parties or just want to talk to us about it, please talk, don’t lecture.  I promise, we have heard all of the negative sides to smoking weed in health class.  As soon as you start lecturing us, we stop listening.  So, instead of approaching it like a health teacher, ask questions and let us come to our own conclusion, usually we know what is right or wrong, and if we feel like you are talking to us about it, not at us, at least we will come to you if we have questions or problems down the road.

6) Find Out Why:
This is tricky, it is important to understand that, today, pot is not only for ‘the stoner’ kids.  All different kinds of kids are doing it and it has become a sort of social unifier.  A drama kid and a jock might not hang out at a party, but if they get to the party and share a joint, they are friends.  It is really important to understand this new social aspect and that it permeates all kinds of peer groups.

7) Build their Esteem:
If you cannot prevent them from encountering pot, you can empower them to make the right choices.  I do believe there is peer pressure to smoke.   It is hard to say no when it feels like everyone is doing it and you know that if you smoke, you have the chance to be friends with that jock, who would never talk to you other wise.  So encourage them to do esteem building activities, like running for student council, working out, or doing a hobby and help them be proud of who they are by engaging in their unique qualities.

Offer Other Activities:
When you talk to your parent friends, make sure everyone is on the same page with curfews and activities.  If there is a semi-formal or prom coming up, offer to host a substance-free after party, host bbqs and movie nights.  I think many kids smoke simply because there is nothing better to do.

9) Offer Other Options:
As horrible as it sounds, if your kid wants to smoke, they will find a way.  Make sure that they know never to drive high.  If you think they are smoking and you cannot do anything about it (sometimes it happens), then at least tell them to call you if they are ever in a situation and they will not get in trouble.  Many, many, kids drive high or drunk and this worries me more than anything.  If you do not think they would call you, then encourage an aunt, uncle, priest, rabbi, teacher, friend to be their secondary support system if they ever need to be bailed out or get a ride home.

10) Give Other Reasons Not to Smoke:
I constantly talk to teens about smoking and always give them non-health class reasons not to smoke which, I believe, appeal more to their interests.  I always stress to girls the aging effects of smoking.  I spoke to a group of 16 year-olds about ‘anti-partying’ and gave them my reasons not to smoke (they were shocked, because they were so a-typical):

-At a prestigious internship interview, a friend got offered the job and when they asked for a drug test, he knew couldn’t pass it and they took back the offer.
-Gives you lip wrinkles.
-The smoke makes your teeth yellow
-Lowers your sperm count
-Makes you taste bad when you kiss
-(I know a little crude) makes oral sex for your partner taste bad.
-Make allergies worse
-You never know who is going to take an incriminating picture and post it somewhere, or use it against you later.

11) Give Them Excuses
Ok, so maybe they have the self-esteem to say no, and maybe they agree with the reasons above to say no, but sometimes people will not let up with the “just take one hit!, Just try it!” So, think of excuses for them to use.  Here are some that I have given and tell teens to use:

-It makes me really sleepy, and I am no fun when all I want to do is sleep.
-I am on a diet, it gives me uncontrollable munchies and I am not giving up my summer goal for one hit.
-It makes me sneeze.
-My parents/job/school/coach drug test me.
-My parents are waiting for me when I get home, and they will smell it/notice it.
-I have dance class/practice/a run tomorrow and I can never perform as well.
-I hate the taste.

**Offer to be the reason! My parents told me to clearly tell people that they were watching me like hawks and that I would get in big trouble if I smoked.  This almost always works, because everyone understands strict parents.  So tell them to use you as the reason…after all there is some truth to it!

Stay Informed and don’t give up!

About Vanessa
Vanessa Van Petten is the teen author of the book “You’re Grounded!”—a parenting book from a young perspective.  She keeps an active blog for parents who want to know what their kids are really doing online, at High School parties or when parents are looking the other way. Her candid and young perspective, as well her constant survey of resources and updates about this generation of young people are a treasure trove for parents.  You can visit Vanessa at http://www.VanessaVanPetten.com.

Imagination is a potent ingredient that we as busy parents often dismiss and brush aside as mere childhood play.  But imagination is a critical component to learning — one that serves as the foundation for a host of necessary life skills. 

Self-dialog is a component of imaginative play that helps children learn to overcome obstacles and master the art of self-regulation. Unstructured imaginative play also serves to round out a child’s whole-person development. 

Recent studies indicate that imaginative play has changed drastically in the past 60 years, and that children’s overall development is suffering because of it. One study conducted in 2001 intended to compare results to a similar study from the late 1940’s. Its goal was to test children’s capacity for self-regulation.

In the 1940’s study, the researches tested children ages 3, 5 and 7 by asking them to stand perfectly still without moving. The 3-year-olds could not stand still at all, the 5-year olds could for about three minutes, and the most of the 7-year-olds could stand still for as long as the researchers asked.

Compare this to the astonishing results from the 2001 study at the Mid-Continent Research for Education and Learning, where the 5-year-olds could only stand for a duration equal to that of the previous level of 3-year olds. More tellingly, the 7-year-olds of today were barely approaching the level of 5-year-olds from over a half century ago. Psychologist Elena Bodrova commented, “The results were very sad.” 

Why is imaginative play such a critical component in developing self-regulation?  During periods of make-believe and pretend, children engage in self-dialog – a life skill that helps empower them to learn to overcome obstacles, master cognitive and social skills and manage their emotions. 

It is during this period of self-dialog, or private speech, that children decide on desired objectives and then strategize ways to accomplish those feats. Self-dialog is also a tool that many adults still utilize when faced with challenges or problems. By talking things through, we’re able to process situations, analyze them and design solutions for them.

Studies also show that creative and imaginative play can aid in other areas of development such as memory, attitude, planning, attention and creativity, as well as help children expand and hone their language and communication skills.

A key change that many scientists are concerned with is the fact that until the advent of television, childhood play revolved around some type of activity, vs. today’s usual object-centric type of play.

Before television, children utilized everyday objects to create scenarios and to imagine a world of their own. If a boy found a stick, it was not merely a stick — it had the capacity to become a knight’s sword, a fishing pole, or a Native-American spear.
 
Today’s product commercialization has removed the realm of limitless possibilities, and now tends to pigeonhole children into a pre-conceived situation such Darth Vader’s Lightsaber, where the intent of the object is already clear and denies the child a chance to find a creative purpose for the object.
 
Another area of concern is the loss of unstructured time that allows children to engage in imaginative play. From soccer and baseball games to piano and karate lessons, children today have far less time than past generations to let their imaginations run free. And while leagues and lessons offer many benefits to children, the fact is that when kids are engaged in structured activities, they are being regulated by the adults in their lives and not themselves.
Scientists have noted that the more structured the level of play, the more children’s private speech and self-dialog decline. By striving to structure most or all of a child’s free time, kids of today have far less time available for imaginative play (which requires they police themselves.
 
Compound this with the dearth of electronic devices that serve not to expand children’s minds but to numb them, and you can see why children today have fallen behind in their abilities to self-regulate.

Why is self-regulation such an important life skill? Poor self-regulation skills (also referred to as executive function) correlate strongly to increased dropout rates and gravitation towards substance abuse and other behaviors that put children not only at risk, but jeopardize their entire future.
 
Studies have shown that good self-regulation skills are a better predictor of success in school and life than a child’s IQ.  Children that master good executive function will be able to control their own behavior, manage their feelings, and keep themselves on task – all elements that contribute to educational and cognitive development and success. 

What are some ways you as a parent can encourage imaginative play in your chbild? Here are just a few to get you started:

• Limit television viewing and time spent playing computer or electronic games
• Schedule time for imaginative play, just as you would schedule time for piano lessons or soccer practice. (You don’t need to tell your child you’re doing this, as you then impose structure.)
• Encourage interaction between peers by letting your child have friends over or go to a friend’s house.
• Peer interaction often drives the imaginative process, and develops children’s social, language and problem-solving abilities.
• While play dates are all the rage, make sure that you or other parents allow children to interact together at their own level and pace, instead of dictating for them how the play date unfolds.

Parents can also interact with children in a variety of ways that let children master creativity through the use of imagination. These include:

Creating stories together, where you each take turns adding a thread to the tale. You can start the process by finding an everyday object and verbalizing a sentence or two about it to create a scenario. Then, let your child take over and embellish the tale from there. As you go back and forth adding to the story, you’ll stimulate and challenge both of your imaginations.

Provide tools for make believe. Have objects like pots and pans with spoons, and building blocks and craft supplies on hand that you keep in the “Imagination Drawer.” Then, make sure to direct your child to the magic drawer when she says, “I’m bored.” 

Play the “Imagine If” game.  Whether you’re in your garden or driving along in the car, look for objects and then start conversations with, “Imagine if …” – i.e., “Imagine if roses were blue,” or “Imagine if birds swam and fish flew.” This helps children hone their visual processing and cognitive skills, as well as opening them up to seeing the world in new ways.
 
Just as exercise is important to the physical development of muscles, imaginative play allows children to build their creative and problem-solving “muscles.” By making sure to incorporate imaginative play in our children’s lives, we give them the capacity to become self-regulated problem solvers – ones whose futures are limited only by their boundless imagination.
 

Source List

Old-Fashioned Play Builds Serious Skills — NPR
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=19212514

Creative Play Makes for Kids in Control – NPR
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=76838288

By Dr. Caron Goode

One of most frustrating stages of toddlerhood can be when a child learns to master the word “no.”  Between the ages of 15 and 30 months, a toddler begins to realize that he is a separate person from his parents; a person who has his own will and his own mind. As this realization sets in, a child begins to discover his independence and begins to practice asserting this independence to all who will listen. It’s this stage of development that is usually marked by a child singing a seemingly continuous chorus of a loud and proud “no.”  Although on the surface it may seem that the child is being defiant and difficult, a young child who is constantly saying “no” is in a monumental phase of early childhood development. When parents aren’t coached to recognize this stage for what it is, the result can be frequent power struggles between parent and child.
While it’s important for a child to understand that the parent is the person of authority, it’s also important to let a child engage in self discovery by allowing him to assert his feelings and to learn that it can be okay to say no. At this stage of development, when vocabulary is limited, a toddler often doesn’t have other expressions to show his displeasure, so inevitably “no” becomes his simple favorite.  Coaching parents through this natural and important stage of development can help them deal with the frustrations that can come when regardless of what they ask their child, the response that they get is an unmistakable “no.”

So how can coaches help parents navigate this important developmental stage? Try coaching parents to use these top 10 techniques for coaching kids through the contrary stage:

1. Give the child two choices that you can live with. This is a time when the child is learning to make choices and you can help by giving him limited choices that won’t overwhelm him. Instead of asking the child if they want cereal for breakfast, ask if they want Cheerios or Rice Crispies.
2. Offer the child choices, but if he doesn’t make a choice, let him know that you will make the choice for him. Instead of asking the child to get dressed, ask if he wants to put on his shirt or pants first. If he doesn’t choose, choose for him and help him get dressed. This provides an opportunity for self discovery balanced with parental authority. Your goal is to convey the message that the choice you make is yours, but making a choice is not optional.
3. Set limits. Toddlerhood can be a time of testing. Kids will push the boundaries and say no as long as they are allowed to.
4. Limit your use of no. Look for alternative ways that convey no. This will help to build your child’s vocabulary and can squelch the theory that children say what they hear. Instead of saying “No hitting” opt for alternatives like “We don’t hit” or “Hands aren’t for hitting.”
5. Pick your battles. It’s a good thing when a child feels that it is safe to say no, so when it’s reasonably acceptable, allow his no to stand. Perhaps he doesn’t want a midday snack. Don’t fight about it. Let him learn about making choices and living with the consequences of his choices.
6. Don’t laugh when a child says no. As cute as it may be the first time, resist the urge to laugh. It only reinforces the behavior.
7. Avoid giving the child the opportunity to say no. If you need your child to get his shoes, suggest a race to the door. Sometimes it just takes a bit of creative thought to get your child to cooperate. Offering limited choices also takes away the opportunity to say no.
8. Use diversion. Having a child proofed house and anticipating any opportunities where your child may say no can go a long way in limiting the amount of “no’s” that you hear from your child. You won’t have to tell him “Put the vase down” if it’s not on the table.
9. Use distraction. Children under 2 can be easily distracted. If they are playing with an item that you want them to give up, offer an alternative. If you’re trying to get an uncooperative kid out of the house, give him something to investigate outside so he’ll come along.
10. Keep a positive attitude. Remember this phase is temporary. Look at this stage as an intense time of development and help your child maximize his learning experience.

While it can be frustrating for parents who are dealing with a child in the “no” phase, when parents are educated and coached through this stage of development, frustrations can be limited and parents can help their children continue to develop healthy, whole and developmentally on track.

By Tara Paterson (www.parentingintuitives.com)

So how does a parent begin to manage the emotional energy of their intuitively sensitive child?  This was something I had to figure out for my son Caden who began to see colors around children at school. 

Caden had communicated with us from the age of three how he could see colors in his room and later around people, but the challenge now became how to assist him with managing this emotional energy while he was in school and in other public places.  It became an issue when he would come home from school and within a short time would have a meltdown over what seemed to be insignificant to us.  For instance, he became quite angry at a neighbor boy who threw his tennis ball for the dog to fetch; or he would burst into tears about something his brother did, which he had probably done half a dozen times.  Another thing I became aware of was his shift in story telling.  He would tell a story about something that happened in school as if it happened to him, but my intuition would always lead me to asking if this had happened to another child and he would almost always answer “yes.”  He was deeply impacted by kids picking on other kids or someone hurting a friend’s feelings.  Soon I was certain he was empathic and what was happening was he would absorb the feelings and emotions of everyone around him.

So what did I do to help him manage this energy?  Nine times out of ten he was already in a flurry of emotion by the time we reached the root cause of the outburst so I would take him to his room, have him lay down and begin breathing; then I would put one hand on his heart and rub his leg or arm to relax his nervous system.  This could take anywhere from 5-15 minutes, but once he was grounded enough to focus, he could release the emotion he absorbed and communicate the reason for the meltdown.  Another technique Caden discovered for himself was going into the backyard to put his feet in the dirt; this is an excellent way for a child to naturally ground them self.  Lastly, for Caden specifically, we always make sure to have access to water whether via the bathtub, a pool, or a hot tub.  If you’ve ever noticed your child’s desire to spend a lot of time in the water, especially at times he/ she seems irritated, this may be the reason.

In our next story, I will share the technique I taught Caden for keeping the energy of other’s from affecting him to this degree.  It’s especially important for intuitively sensitive children to have tools they can use to safeguard their space from the energy of others.

Dr. Caron Goode has been awarded the 2008 Moms Choice Award for the Lightworker of the Year category.

The Mom’s Choice Awards® is pleased to announce the best in family-friendly media, products and services of 2008.

The Mom’s Choice Awards® (MCA) is an annual awards program that recognizes authors, inventors,
companies, parents and others for their efforts in creating quality family-friendly media, products and services. Parents, educators, librarians and retailers rely on MCA evaluations when selecting quality materials for children and families. The Mom’s Choice Awards® seal helps families and educators navigate the vast array of products and services and make informed decisions.

An esteemed panel of judges includes education, media and other experts as well as parents, children, librarians, performing artists, producers, medical and business professionals, authors, scientists and others.

A sampling of our panel members includes: Dr. Twila C. Liggett, Ten-time Emmy-winner, professor and founder of Reading Rainbow; Julie Aigner-Clark, Creator of Baby Einstein and The Safe Side Project; and Tara Paterson, Certified Parent Coach, founder of The Just For Mom Foundation™, the Mom’s Choice Awards®.

Glancing at your day planner, you realize that this is going to be one busy day-again. As a working mom, you have adjusted your schedule many times to squeeze in your ten-year-olds’ dental appointment or your eight-year-olds’ soccer practice. You can remember a few times when you had to leave a meeting early to answer an “urgent” call from one of your children. Your “sick” days are used more for your children then for you. Dinner is often a quick stop at your favorite take out.

As a working mother of two children, Brenda Bonin easily relates to the above scenario. She knows first hand what it feels like to juggle the different worlds of today’s working mother. She understands from personal experience the struggles a working mom faces every day. There is the pressure to be competent and efficient on the job as well as at home as a mother and a wife. 

Brenda has lived in the business world all of her adult life. Yet she finds her world as a parent to be the most challenging of the two. This deep understanding and desire to bring balance and happiness to both worlds is what led Brenda to become an ACPI Certified Coach for Parents™ through her training with the Academy for Coaching Parents International. A close friend had told her about ACPI and after reading an article by the founder, Dr. Caron Goode, Brenda decided to take the training.

Immediately upon taking the courses, Brenda knew her training with ACPI was going to improve her parenting skills. She questioned taking her parent coaching skills to a professional level as “being a mother is a very personal part of my life.” Brenda understands the emotional and physical energy required to parent children. This understanding motivated her to move forward and expand her ACPI training to a professional level.

Thus, after completing her course work, Brenda combined her experience in the business world with her ACPI training to help working mothers do exactly what she was doing-bringing balance and value to her many different roles. As a coach for parents, Brenda shows working moms how to put their families first and keep their jobs. She helps parents to define success on their own terms while modeling what she teaches.

Brenda defines herself as a “working mother’s coach”. She addresses issues specific to a working mother such as child care, quality time, holidays, vacations and raising healthy, respectful and loving children. Her working mom niche includes individual coaching sessions, workshops, and programs catered to the working mom such as “the career makeover” and “small changes/big results.” Visit her website at workingmothermatters(dot)com for more details of these unique programs.

According to Brenda, her training with ACPI is the key component that has led her to the success she is experiencing as a certified coach for parents. Here is what Brenda has to say about ACPI:
• The consistent theme of a heartwise approach when working with parents is fantastic. I discovered how to connect with my own heart, make decisions from my heart, and then be in alignment with my intellect and my gut. I learned to translate this new found skill into all areas of my life.
• The staff taught me that as a coach I do not have to have all the answers. I assist other parents in finding the answers by becoming an expert at asking the right questions. I learned how to ask questions that bring positive solutions and support parents in making healthy decisions in their interactions with their children.
• The marketing component of the program showed me how to set up my own business from the perspective of the needs of my clients. I learned how to apply action to my ideas. Healthy problem solving is something I offer to clients and that is what I learned to market.
• The staff showed me how to develop and create my specialty niche, working mothers, in a way that is in alignment with my passion to support other working moms and have a successful home business.

Brenda Bonin has an active practice as an ACPI Certified Coach for Parents. To learn more about her workshops and programs or to make an appointment for an individual session at workingmothermatters(dot)com.

ACPI wanted to take a moment of your Mothers Day to wish you a wonderful day and send you a moment true appreciation for the mothers who start their day with coffee and end their day with prayers. We thank you for every moment of dedication you spend in the pursuit of raising wonderful children.

A Mothers Love by Helen Steiner Rice

A Mother’s love is something
that no on can explain,
It is made of deep devotion
and of sacrifice and pain,

It is endless and unselfish
and enduring come what may
For nothing can destroy it
or take that love away…

It is patient and forgiving
when all others are forsaking,
And it never fails or falters
even though the heart is breaking…

It believes beyond believing
when the world around condemns,
And it glows with all the beauty
of the rarest, brightest gems…

It is far beyond defining,
it defies all explanation,
And it still remains a secret
like the mysteries of creation…

A many splendored miracle
man cannot understand
And another wondrous evidence
of God’s tender guiding hand.

by Foster Cline, MD and Lisa C. Greene
 
When a child is first diagnosed with a medical condition, especially a life-threatening one, the first question many parents understandably ask is, “How long does my child have to live?” Medical professionals respond by quoting the statistics.
 
Statistically, all illnesses have a somewhat predictable course or an “average life expectancy.” But statistics based on the group norms may be very misleading and even disabling when applied to individual children. It’s very hard to predict who will be among the many who “beat the odds.”
 
Historically, medical professionals have been known to advise parents of children with cystic fibrosis not to worry about saving for their children’s college education. And parents have been known to lower their expectations concerning their children’s performance in school, sports, or other important matters relating to the future and living a “normal” life.

This lowering of expectations, with its suggestion of a “What’s the use?” attitude does a great disservice to children. It encourages them to become both entitled and to feel hopeless within themselves. Achievement and self-image both suffer.

The average life expectancy for many diseases is increasing at a fairly rapid rate due to medical advances. What might be an accurate statistic today probably won’t be tomorrow. While it is important to understand the statistics, it is not helpful to be governed by them. The Nash family knew this to be true:

When Liz was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis in 1973, her parents were told not to expect her to graduate from high school. She did much more than that. Liz earned a PhD in molecular genetics, interned at Johns Hopkins University and went on to become a research scientist in CF. She also volunteered as a mentor to teens with CF, who struggled with thoughts about their future and medical compliance.

Liz was optimistic, enthusiastic, and passionate about her life’s work and interests. She shunned the limitations imposed by CF.   As captain of her college ski team she refused to give up the sport when oxygen became necessary. She simply skied with a backpack filled with portable oxygen tanks.

As an inspiring individual, Elizabeth Nash was selected to carry the 2002 OlympicTorch through Union Square in San Francisco. Liz died at nearly 33, well past her “statistical average” at the time but her spirit lives on as her example and courage continue to bring hope to families with CF.
With many medical conditions, there is a strong correlation between good self-care and longevity. Parents can use statistics to inspire hope and spark an “I can beat this” attitude. Parents who give off positive, “we can beat this” vibes generally raise kids with the same determined spirit. We have met many CF parents and their children who demonstrate this indomitable and inspiring attitude.

In summary, wise parents handle statistics and medical predictions by:

• Emphasizing that significant medical progress is being made in almost all areas, and that health and longevity are increasing for almost all illnesses. 
• Realizing that for all individuals, the future is unknown.
• Many lives are shortened by unexpected illness and traumatic events. 
• Encouraging their children to believe that they have every chance of being one of those children “who fall on the high side of the bell curve because you take such good care of yourself.”
• Understanding that the quality of a life is measured not by its length, but by the amount of love, accomplishment, and giving that fills it.
• Understanding that worrying about the future and chewing on the mistakes of yesterday rob both today and tomorrow. The resulting hopelessness, negativity, and worry can shorten lives and certainly diminish the quality of life.
• Believing that those who bravely face life’s obstacles build a character that not only leads them to be more capable people and leaders, but sets an example that enhances the lives of all with whom they come in contact.
• Answering a child’s questions about the course of his or her illness can be difficult. How can parents answer their child’s questions with hope if they have not come to a good place themselves? The child will almost always take the parent’s cues. So don’t let scary statistics rob your hope and joy!  

***********************
 
From the book “Parenting Children with Health Issues: Essential Tools, Tips and Tactics for Raising Kids with Chronic Illness, Medical Conditions and Other Special Needs” by Foster Cline, M.D. and Lisa C. Greene available at bookstores. Dr. Cline is a well-known child psychiatrist, author, and co-founder of the popular Love and Logic parenting program. Lisa is the mother of two children with cystic fibrosis and a parent coach.  For free audio, articles and other resources, visit   ParentingChildrenWithHealthIssues dot com.