By Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D.

One of the truths about this world is that everything changes. 
The only dynamic that doesn’t change is the process of change itself. 
Coping with change always increases our level of stress.  The stress
response is designed to aid us to cope with change, be it positive or
negative change.

Some changes are predictable and allow us to adapt rather quickly
and without much stress.  Other changes just come at us unexpectedly
and dramatically increase our stress response.

Life altering changes are inevitable and normal. We know that there
is a direct correlation between how we adapt to stress and our health.
Here are some helpful strategies for handling the stress of change.

In his book, “Finding Peace,” Jean Vanier writes, “We can find the
road to hope and peace in our world if we open ourselves to change
…and break down the walls around our hearts.”  Here are 15 simple
but important tips for opening yourself to all the changes that
inevitably occur.  Perhaps some of these tips will help to open you to
adapt to change and “break down the walls around” your heart.  They
might also help you restore a sense of calm and peace of mind.

1.  Predict & plan for change when ever possible.

2.  Address changes issues before they become overwhelming.

3.  Write down and prioritize personal and work-related goals and
tasks.

4.  Be sure to take time for daily physical activity.

5.  Do not skip meals, eat slowly while sitting and rarely (if ever)
resort  to eating “fast food.”

6.  Delegate household chores to other family members or hire someone
to do them.

7.  Take regular short breaks to practice abdominal breathing,
muscular relaxation, or meditation.

8.  Modify all negative thought patterns, and silence your internal
critical dialogue.  We know that what you say to yourself makes a
great difference in your stress level.

9.  Accept that change is constant and inevitable.  It is usually a
sign of growth.

10. Learn to recognize the types of life changes that increase your
stress level and what your specific stress “triggers” are.

11. Learn the warning signs of too much stress, (e.g. anxiety,
disturbed sleep patterns, irritability or unexpected mood swings.

12. Develop and maintain a strong support system of family and
friends you can turn to when major changes occur or your stress level
becomes too high.

13. Identify and practice healthy strategies for dealing with the
changes and stressors that you can influence/control.

14. Strengthen your “resilience skills,” that help you cope well with
changes that you regard as “hardship.”

15. Be compassionate and patient with yourself.  Treat yourself as
you would a loved child.  How well you deal with change/stress is not
a reflection of your character.

You probably already have a large number of skills to manage
your changes and your stress level.  If you are still alive, you have
already managed well the changes in your life before.  It is also
important to keep in mind that during times of great change and
extreme stress or crisis, you need to consider getting professional
help.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Dr. Thomas is a licensed psychologist, author, speaker, and life
coach.  He serves on the faculty of the International University of
Professional Studies. He recently co-authored (with Patrick Williams)
the book: “Total Life Coaching: 50+ Life Lessons, Skills and
Techniques for Enhancing Your Practice…and Your Life!” (W.W. Norton
2005) It is available at your local bookstore or on Amazon.com.

If you found the above column useful, feel free to share it with
friends.

Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D. has 30+ years experience as a Life Coach and
Licensed Psychologist.  He is available for coaching in any area
presented in “Practical Life Coaching” (formerly “Practical
Psychology”).  Initial coaching sessions are free.  E-mail: DrLloyd@CreatingLeaders.com or LJTDAT@aol.com.

by Danielle Koprowski

If you missed Decoding Behavior Part 1

As I said last week, when children’s needs are met and nothing is hurting them, they are delightful to be with.  When they are not being delightful, their behavior is telling us they have a need that requires our help.

So we ask, What is causing this behavior? What does my child need? There are three general types of needs; physical, emotional, and sensitivity or temperament.
 
Physical needs- Is my child hungry, tired, overstimulated, understimulated, hot, cold, teething/in pain, sick…? Most of us have a pretty good handle of meeting children’s physical needs, but it is always a good idea to look here first. Sometimes we might be surprised to find unmet physical needs that are driving behaviors. (More on this in the next newsletter.)

Emotional needs- Here is a partial list of emotional needs: Unconditional love, Loving touch, Affection, Acceptance, Connection, Respect, Feeling heard, Guidance, Safety, Security, Stability, Down time, Play, Self-Esteem, Self-Worth, Sense of belonging, Feeling valued, Friendship, Emotional release of pain, Freedom, Power (control over their life), Trust, Positive role models

Looking at that list from the eyes of a parent, it seems daunting. That we have to provide for all of those needs and often do so when our own needs during childhood went unmet. (We do not and likely can not do this alone.) It is a challenge, but it is also a Great Opportunity. This is our chance for our own personal growth and our chance to change the world. Imagine what we will create as a society when many step into adulthood from a place of emotional fullness.

Sensitivity/ Temperament Needs- Some children have an innate temperament or sensory issues that cause them to feel out of sync. If your child’s physical and emotional needs are met and something is still off or if your intuition is that there is something out of sync about your child, they may have sensitivity issues. There are many ways to help children with these issues and many wonderful books on the subject to help parents.

The next newsletters will explore each of these needs in depth, so we can begin meeting them and enjoying more our delightful children.

Danielle Koprowski
Free To Be Parenting Support
ACPI Certified Coach for Parents
www.freetobeparenting.com

by Danielle Koprowski

Many parents have questions about their child’s behavior. Usually it goes something like this, “How do I get my kid to stop ______ (hitting, whining, yelling, lying…)?” Most of my readers have already concluded that traditional “discipline” (meaning punishment) does not work. That it totally breaks connection with children and weakens our relationship.

So, what do we do? Decode the behavior, begin to look for the cause, the underlying reason for the behavior.

In beginning to decode behavior, it is very useful to shift our mindset about the behavior. Most people have the thought, “my child is being a problem”. The shift we can make here is “my child is having a problem”. It is also useful to add the word need into any question about behavior. Example- Why is my child lying? becomes Why does my child feel the need to lie?

When children’s needs are met and nothing is hurting them, they are delightful to be with. When they are not delightful to be with, they have some need that they are communicating to us through their behavior.

It is not always so important that we figure out exactly what is causing the behavior. What is important is that we come from the understanding that there is a valid reason and we do our best to uncover it. That we ask, What is this behavior telling me? What is it that my child needs?

Continued next week- What are children’s needs?

Danielle Koprowski
Free To Be Parenting Support
ACPI Certified Coach for Parents
www.freetobeparenting.com

Sometimes and maybe all too often we look to experts to tell us what to do. I want to encourage you all to begin to develop your own inner knowing. Gathering information and listening to experts thoughts and ideas can help us to expand our awareness and knowledge, but no one is an expert on you except you. And no one is more of an expert on your child than you.

One of the best tools for developing own own inner knowing is a meditation practice. Having some quiet time, every day if possible, can really help us to be able to get in touch with the calm centered place within ourselves. Even if it is only a few minutes a day, it is worth it to take this time for ourselves. It is more important that it is a regular daily practice than the amount of time we are able to set for it.

Question of the week: How will I benefit from making quiet time a consistent part of each day?

Danielle Koprowski
Free To Be Parenting Support
ACPI Certified Coach for Parents
www.freetobeparenting.com

By Danielle Koprowski

No one can parent well with an empty cup. In order for us to us to meet our kids needs we need for fill our cup first. (Just like an oxygen mask on an airplane.)

What are the things that really fill you up or refresh you? It could be dancing, singing, reading, taking a bath. What ever really works for you.

Most of us need help in order to get our needs met so we can fill our cup. Think about what resources you have, family, friends, Mother’s helpers, baby sitters. Are you using the resources you have available? Do you need more resources? How are you able to develop more resources?

What can you do today to meet your needs or to refresh you?

When would now be the time to fill your cup?

Danielle Koprowski
Free To Be Parenting Support
ACPI Certified Coach for Parents
www.freetobeparenting.com

By Danielle Koprowski

Imagine a world in which you would feel safe expressing yourself freely. Expressing all of the emotions that we normally suppress while in public. What if we all felt safe to express ourselves, our deepest pains and our greatest joys, no matter where we were?

I got a question from a mom about allowing children to emote in public. She wrote, “most people seem to believe that allowing a child to emote in public or in a house with neighbors within earshot is disrespectful to others and disturbing their peace.” This may be true but let us consider why. It is only because so many of us were emotionally suppressed as children.  We continue that suppression as adults, consequently many hold this belief and are uncomfortable with the natural expression of emotional life.

The possibility that others around me are uncomfortable with strong emotions is not good enough reason for me to discourage my child’s emotional expression. In fact, I think it is good reason to encourage it. For me to be the example of the world  I would like to create, the world imaged above. My example could inspire others.

I can not know if my example will affect those around me, but I do know, that the world we create for our children can be a place where it is safe to express freely, a place where they are met with compassion and understanding.

Danielle Koprowski
Free To Be Parenting Support
ACPI Certified Coach for Parents
www.freetobeparenting.com

By Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D.

The issue/debate about reforming our healthcare system has dominated
our news media for a very long time.  One aspect of such reform is to
encourage “prevention.”  Very little attention has been paid to
strengthening each individual’s natural healing system.

“The greatest force in the human body is the natural drive of the
body to heal itself…” wrote Norman Cousins after he had recovered
from a “terminal” illness.  Certainly, medicine, professional
diagnosis and treatment are important, sometimes vital, aspects of
becoming well.  But medical science still remains ignorant as to
precisely why some people “spontaneously” heal while others succumb to
disease.  Indeed, the healing process itself remains a rather
mysterious event.

We do know however, that the individual person has a lot more power
and control over his or her own healing than was ever acknowledged
before.  Here are some “hints” which might help you realize your own
power and ability to help you heal.

1.  Practice acceptance of your illness.  Acceptance of your illness
is not the same as resigning yourself to it.  Resignation can lead to
depression and depression is not a very healing attitude.  When you
are ill, acceptance of disease as a part of you at the moment, will
allow you to create in yourself the atmosphere of caring, tenderness,
and love in which your illness is more likely to heal.  It also allows
energy to be freed for other activities, other interests, other
thoughts to remain a part of your life, even while “being sick.”

2.  View illness not as a loss, but as an opportunity for new growth
and development.  If a starfish loses one of its “arms,” it merely
goes about growing another.  If a salamander loses its tail, its
primitive nervous system begins regenerating another immediately.
Certainly our human nervous systems are more sophisticated than those
of a starfish or salamander.  When we heal, we grow new tissue, new
nerves, and new cells.  Why not grow new ideas, new attitudes, new
ways of viewing ourselves and the world, and new loves, while you are
also healing physically?  If you begin to grow psychologically in
response to your losses, you may just not need to have a physical
illness in order to evolve or grow.

3.  See your illness as your body’s attempt to redirect your life in
a positive direction.  Avoid harshly judging your illness and
resenting your body for having it.  Avoid judging yourself altogether!
Your body is always valiantly trying to be well.  It has powerful
tools in its biochemical, cellular, and nervous repertoire to regain
its healthful balance.  If you are positive and peaceful about your
own ability to be well, then illness just becomes a “redirection” of
your life.  Someone once said, “Illness is God’s way of getting your
attention!” Pay attention to that message and allow it to redirect
your life.

4.  Realize that death is not a disease, and it is not a failure.
The death rate for all living beings is still one hundred per cent.
If staying alive is your only goal, you will most certainly fail at
attaining it.  Once you begin to accept the inevitability of your own
death and realize you only have a limited amount of time to experience
being alive, you begin to become aware you might as well enjoy (as
best as you possibly can) the moment-to-moment experience of
aliveness, including your illness or pain,.

5.  Avoid making physical wholeness your goal.  Nobody exists with a
perfect physical body.  Our functioning varies from moment to moment
and certainly from day to day.  A lot of people heal into peace of
mind and self-love, without ever becoming physically well.  Perhaps
making your goals your own inner peace, your own ability to forgive
and love yourself just might promote your healing a lot faster than
self-hate, self-criticism, and resentment toward your illness.  Use
your illness as a situation to learn about hope, love, acceptance,
forgiveness, peace of mind, openness to living, and mindfulness to the
moment.  In doing so, you just may make the disease remit in the
process.

6.  Our bodies respond to self-love and the love sent to us by
others.  If you send your own body loving messages, and if you are
open to receive the love of others, your body’s immune system responds
with something like “Hey, this person likes being alive, lets get to
work and fight for his or her life with all the power and energy we
can muster.” Negative thoughts produce certain chemicals in our
bodies…positive thoughts produce another kind of chemicals.  The
latter strengthens the immune system.  The former weakens it.

       7. Finally, use your body, use the life in your body to love.
Loving is the only path to immortality.  Your love lives on long after
you physically die.  If you spend most of your life hating, you spend
most of it dying.  If you spend it loving, you leave a legacy of peace
and development to all those persons you touch with your love.  A
legacy of love.  What a gift to offer future generations!  Spend most
of your life loving and you will only spend a few brief moments dying.

You have a lot more influence and control over how you heal from any
disease.  Perhaps following the above tips will at least, increase
your personal awareness of that powerful influence we all possess.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Dr. Thomas is a licensed psychologist, author, speaker, and life
coach.  He serves on the faculty of the International University of
Professional Studies. He recently co-authored (with Patrick Williams)
the book: “Total Life Coaching: 50+ Life Lessons, Skills and
Techniques for Enhancing Your Practice…and Your Life!” (W.W. Norton
2005) It is available at your local bookstore or on Amazon.com.

Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D. has 30+ years experience as a Life Coach and
Licensed Psychologist.  He is available for coaching in any area
presented in “Practical Life Coaching” (formerly “Practical
Psychology”).  Initial coaching sessions are free.  E-mail: DrLloyd@CreatingLeaders.com or LJTDAT@aol.com.

by Danielle Koprowski

Much of the parenting advice of today tells us to use praise to get our children to repeat the behaviors that are desirable to us and to build self-esteem. As many of you know, I believe the use of praise to manipulate children may work, but it has many unintended and undesirable consequences.

One of the many consequences of praising kids is that it gets them focused on someone else’s value judgement of what they are doing rather than on the intrinsic value of the behavior. From the child’s perspective, the message is I’ve pleased you and apparently it is important that I please others.

Children who are praised in this way grow up not being able to trust their own judgement and always caring about what others will think of them. (What I think of myself is not good enough, I have to get others approval to be okay.) As adults this shows up as, what will the neighbors think or what will so & so think. Many of us spend our lives hiding our true selves from everyone because we so fear the judgement we received as children.

Praise may work for parents when kids are young because it is our approval they are seeking, but when they get into the teen years, it is no longer our approval that is most important to them. 

(There are many other effects of praise, too many to list in this brief format, for more information see Alphie Kohn’s site)

There is praise that does work to build self esteem and create a stronger connection to our kids. One example is just naturally celebrating with them their joy or excitement about something they have done.

But the most important kind of praise is the kind you give your children when they have done nothing. When you look at your child in a passive moment, the love you feel swells in your chest and you express to them how deeply you love them and how grateful you are that they are in your life.

When would now be the time for that kind of praise?

Danielle Koprowski
Free To Be Parenting Support
ACPI Certified Coach for Parents
www.freetobeparenting.com

I took my son and his cousin to the arboretum last week and as we were making the half mile trek to one of the exhibits, there was much discussion among the children about who was going to lead the way. There was some disagreement and one of the kids said to the other, “You’re not the boss of me.”

At that point I was requested to respond and I confirmed to them that neither was the boss of the other and that I knew they could find a way to work it out, which they did.

Later that evening, my son was sitting on my lap cuddling and he said, “You’re not the leader of me.” I said, “Well actually, I am the leader of you. I am not the boss of you, but I am the leader of you.” He thought for a moment and he said, “Ohhhh.” It seemed like he really got it. It also clicked for me as well.

Our charge is not to be the boss of our children, but to be the leader. We provide our leadership almost completely by our example, that is our modeling. It is also our job as leaders to govern our child’s environment. (ie- keeping only healthy food in the house)

What can we do today to be the leader we want our kids to follow?

Danielle Koprowski
Free To Be Parenting Support
ACPI Certified Coach for Parents
www.freetobeparenting.com

By Danielle Koprowski

Have you got this all figured out yet?

I know I haven’t, but I have found a few pieces to the puzzle. One of the biggest pieces that brings me peace is acceptance. Acceptance is one of the keys to effective parenting and to a graceful life.

Raising children is an organic process, like a flower or a growing tree. We can not force a flower to blossom and we can not force a tree to grow faster. We can provide the optimal conditions that foster growth, but we can not make it happen on our time table.

When our children are being immature (which they should seeing as how they have not matured yet) it is often our resistance to ‘what is’ that is causing us pain. When we are able to shift into acceptance of what is happening, then we can handle our children skillfully with grace.  We can then see solutions to issues that we were blind to before.

For some of us, shifting into acceptance is just a thought away. For others it requires more effort and practice. For many of us, it requires healing of our own issues and past experiences. In any case, acceptance is a powerful place to come from in our lives.

What would have to happen for you to be in place of acceptance of ‘what is’ right now?

Danielle Koprowski
Free To Be Parenting Support
ACPI Certified Coach for Parents
www.freetobeparenting.com