by Danielle Koprowski

My Dad had two sayings I remember very distinctly from my childhood. The first was “I may not always be right, but I am never wrong.” The second, “I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.” As you can imagine for a man who used these phrases often, it was rather impossible for him to admit a mistake and I am certain that the words, “I am sorry” never crossed his lips in my presence.

Never being able to admit fault and apologize is a very painful way to go though life, it is truly detrimental to relationships. Let that not be you.

For some of us, as parents, it is very difficult to admit fault and apologize to our kids, especially if your models (your parents) were anything like mine. But it can be really freeing when we are able to do this because we no longer have to be perfect, to be right all the time (or pretend that we are) and we have a way to repair our mis-steps with our kids.

Be the model for your children that teaches, it is okay to make mistakes and you can repair relationships with the words, “I am sorry.”

Question of the week: Is it a challenge for me to apologize to my kids? If so, what can I do about it?

Danielle Koprowski
Free To Be Parenting Support
ACPI Certified Coach for Parents
www.freetobeparenting.com

Language patterns apparent from the start; babies pick up traits in womb LiveScience
 
By Charles Q. Choi
Special to LiveScience

From their very first days, the cries of newborns already bear the mark of the language their parents speak, scientists now find.

French newborns tend to cry with rising melody patterns, slowly increasing in pitch from the beginning to the end, whereas German newborns seem to prefer falling melody patterns, findings that are both consistent with differences between the languages.

This suggests infants begin picking up elements of language in the womb, long before their first babble or coo.

Prenatal exposure

Prenatal exposure to language was known to influence newborns. For instance, past research showed they preferred their mother’s voice over those of others.

Still, researchers thought infants did not imitate sounds until much later on. Although three-month-old babies can match vowel sounds that adults make, this skill depends on vocal control just not physically possible much earlier.

However, when scientists recorded and analyzed the cries of 60 healthy newborns when they were three to five days old — 30 born into French-speaking families, 30 into German-speaking ones — their analysis revealed clear differences in the melodies of their cries based on their native tongue.

Imitating Mom
 
The way babies imitate melody patterns relies just on a command over their voiceboxes they had before birth, instead of the more advanced control of their vocal tracts they need for vowel sounds. As such, they can begin mimicking their mothers “at that early age,” said researcher Kathleen Wermke, a medical anthropologist at the University of Würzburg in Germany.

“Newborns are probably highly motivated to imitate their mother’s behavior in order to attract her and hence to foster bonding,” Wermke said.

The researchers conjecture that the development of spoken language is rooted in melody, and that these findings support their idea. “Music and language might have co-evolved for a certain time during evolution and share a primordial form of communication system,” Wermke told LiveScience.

by Danielle Koprowski

I had an amazing, terrifying experience today. My son, who will be 6 in one week, ran out in front of a car. Thankfully, he made it across but the incident was terrifying to me and the driver of the car. The situation is mystifying to me as in all of his 6 years he has never ran out like this. I have long since given up holding hands, although we do at times, because he has always been so conscientious, safe, aware and responsive to my direction.

Now for me as a parent coach this is where the rubber meets the road, literally. How do I react to this?

I am proud and happy to say that I kept my cool! I asked him why and quickly understood that it was an error in judgment on his part. I explained to him with great concern how dangerous the situation was, but I also let him know that we all make mistakes, that I understood, that it was okay to make mistakes and how grateful I was that he was okay.

On the drive home I was thinking about what I could do or say that would make sure that he never make that kind of mistake again. This is why we sometimes “freak out” about a situation like this or why people resort to punishment (I must do something to the child that is painful enough to insure he will not do that again). It’s all about trying to control the uncontrollable.

There truly is nothing I can do that will guarantee he never makes that mistake again. And the many things that I could do (yell, scream, try to scare him about it) may strike fear great enough to make it improbable but at what cost? Would it be him going though his life feeling that it is not okay to make a mistake, that he always has to be right? That’s pricey.

I could say to him a million times, “it’s okay to make mistakes”, but if I “freak out” when he does, the message is crystal clear that really, it’s not.

Danielle Koprowski
Free To Be Parenting Support
ACPI Certified Coach for Parents
www.freetobeparenting.com

by Danielle Koprowski

I am a big fan of doing what works for my family. I recently saw a post on Mamasource from a sleep deprived mom of an 18 month old who was trying to find a solution to her nighttime woes. She described the scenario that happens all across this country of the up and down at night going back and forth from Master Bedroom to babies room. I wrote back to her and suggested co-sleeping and the website www.cosleeping.org.

Co-sleeping is something that works for many families allowing everyone to get the rest they need. But there is some stigma in society around the issue of having children sleep with us. (I find it interesting that people are potentially more willing to allow their pets in the bed than they are their children.) Many parents opt for the crib/ separate sleeping arrangement even though it isn’t working for them because that is the social norm.

I say it’s time to buck all the social norms and do what works!

Questions of the week: What is really working well for me and my family? (Be grateful!)
How can I have resolution in the areas that are not working as well as I would like? Is there anything I think might work that I have been adverse to trying?

Danielle Koprowski
Free To Be Parenting Support
ACPI Certified Coach for Parents
www.freetobeparenting.com

By Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D.

A few weeks ago, a boy named “Falcon” was thought to have been
launched thousands of feet in the air while inside a “flying saucer”
[a balloon filled with helium].  The incident later turned out to be a
“publicity stunt.” During the balloon’s flight, I got to thinking
about how we launch our children into adulthood.  How do we equip our
children with the necessary character traits that will allow them to
become adults who are fulfilled and thriving?

In his book, “Courage, the backbone of leadership,” Gus Lee with
Diane Elliott-Lee writes, “In our families, universities, schools,
communities, and institutions, we accidentally canceled our central
national life quality program — character development.” Recent
scandals in business, the financial world and politics seem to clearly
demonstrate that as a nation, we have neglected to launch our kids
into adulthood with the character qualities required to reflect a
“national character” based on time-honored values. 

Lee goes on to write, “…we have treated the observations of Moses,
Aristotle, and Confucius as academic trivia questions instead of as
demonstrated truths defining the quality of life.  We actually began
to believe that we no longer needed wisdom.” 

What is some of that wisdom we need to give to our children?  Lee
believes it is contained in two “simple concepts.”  According to him,
principled behavior as adults has two parts: “(1) the establishment of
high core values and (2) courageous behaviors in alignment with those
core values.”

What are some of those “core values” principled parents want to
instill in their children?  Here are a few suggestions.

1. Through your actions, demonstrate to your children, the courage to
stand for those values that have been advocated for thousands of
years.  Aristotle once taught that “courage virtue” was not only the
foundation for happiness, it was the essence of life itself.

2. Learn from the experience of others…those less fortunate than
you as well as from those more fortunate.  It will allow you to
strengthen your compassion for all.

3. Treat all relationships as precious.  It is only within our
relationships that we are able to become fully human… and humane. 
Life is not really about you.  It is about the quality of the
relationships you have and how you contribute to it.

4. Work through any negative habits and “issues” as soon as you can. 
From your childhood, take only those mental, emotional, spiritual and
behavioral habits that equally serve your own best interests and the
best interests of everyone else.  Subordinate your own ego for the
benefit of the larger community.

5. Strive to enhance and improve your emotional intelligence.  
Sometimes, your heart will serve you in ways better than knowledge and
rationality can.

6. Become aware that the “worst of times” can teach you valuable
lessons, reveal important insights, and open you to positive growth.

7. Keep a balance between humility and self-confidence.  Listen! 
Listen to yourself.  Listen more to heroes of history.  Listen to your
parents, your teachers, your colleagues and your intuition.

8. Develop those character qualities that will allow you to trust
yourself in all situations.

9. Demand excellent conduct from others…beginning with yourself and
your own behavior.

10. Practice the virtue of behaving toward others in precisely the
same manner as you want them to treat you.  That is the “golden rule”
of life itself.

If we practiced the above “wise values,” not only could we change
the nature of our national character, we would launch our children
into a thriving adulthood.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Dr. Thomas is a licensed psychologist, author, speaker, and life
coach.  He serves on the faculty of the International University of
Professional Studies. He recently co-authored (with Patrick Williams)
the book: “Total Life Coaching: 50+ Life Lessons, Skills and
Techniques for Enhancing Your Practice…and Your Life!” (W.W. Norton
2005) It is available at your local bookstore or on Amazon.com.
 
Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D. has 30+ years experience as a Life Coach and
Licensed Psychologist.  He is available for coaching in any area
presented in “Practical Life Coaching” (formerly “Practical
Psychology”).  Initial coaching sessions are free.  E-mail: DrLloyd@CreatingLeaders.com or LJTDAT@aol.com.

By Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D.

It costs so much to become a whole human being that there are very
few who have the enlightenment or the courage, to pay the price.  One
has to abandon altogether the search for certainty and security, and
reach out with both arms to embrace life with energy and passion. 
Like a lover, one has to embrace the world and their being alive
within it. One has to accept both pain and pleasure as a condition of
existence.  One has to accept doubt and darkness as the cost of
learning and having new experiences.  One needs a will that is strong
but flexible, and one that is always open to accept every consequence
of their choices and actions.  Only when we embrace dying as a certain
aspect of living do we stand of chance of creating success.  I define
success as “any state or condition with which you are content.”  There
is a psychological price people must pay for being at peace within
themselves and being content with their lives.

Today, most people I know are rather desperately seeking inner peace
and contentment.  They are unhappy with their marriages, their jobs
(or lack of one), their children, their finances, the economy, their
“lot in life.”  They are unhappy with themselves.  They long for inner
peace and happiness.  They believe “happiness” to be a goal.  They are
not aware that happiness is a byproduct of the way of life they
create.  They seek inner peace, but are unaware of the price it costs.
Here is a partial list of some of the costs for inner peace.

ITEM 1: You must practice thinking and acting spontaneously and in
the present, rather than from fears or resentments rooted in your past
experience.  Even if that experience was yesterday!

ITEM 2: You must give up your clinging to negative emotions and
develop an unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.

ITEM 3: You must lose all interest in judging others, as well as lose
the habit of judging yourself.  Negatively judging or criticism of
yourself or others only generates inner turmoil.

ITEM 4: You need to lose all interest in interpreting the thoughts,
actions, and feelings of others.  Your interpretation is always
distorted.

ITEM 5: You will lose interest in winning conflicts and aggressively
attacking others in order to “win” your point or your position.

ITEM 6: You will need to give up your ability to worry or become
anxious over conditions you cannot control.

ITEM 7: You will have to immediately let go of frustrations and
resentments when they occur within, and replace them with empathy and
compassion.

ITEM 8: You will need to give up the tendency to be in control and
learn to let things happen rather than force them or “make them
happen.”

ITEM 9: You must give up the illusion you can change how others
choose, how they think, how they feel and how they behave.

ITEM 10: You must tolerate more frequent and overwhelming episodes of
appreciation for yourself and others.

ITEM 11: You will need to learn to be fully satisfied with feelings
of connectedness with other human beings and with nature.

ITEM 12: You will have to quit the habit of frowning and replace it
with smiles and (of all things) “cheerfulness.”

ITEM 13: You must give up your fear and denial of death and allow it
to become a natural part of being alive.

ITEM 14: You will have to develop a regular habit of enjoying the
condition of being alive.

ITEM 15: Above all you will have to tolerate and sustain an increase
in your desire to love yourself and others as precious human beings.

ITEM 16: Most of all, you will have to modify your thinking habits,
your emotional habits, and your addictions so they support the
creation of the life you genuinely desire.

It is obvious the price list for inner peace is rather long and tends
to pose a serious threat to human hate, violence, rage, injustice, and
war.  Are you willing to pay the price for it?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
 
Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D. has 30+ years experience as a Life Coach and
Licensed Psychologist.  He is available for coaching in any area
presented in “Practical Life Coaching” (formerly “Practical
Psychology”).  Initial coaching sessions are free.  E-mail: DrLloyd@CreatingLeaders.com or LJTDAT@aol.com.

It’s been said that sibling rivalry is the competition for the all too precious resource of parental attention. The first thing I recommend for calming sibling issues is daily one on one time with each child. It can be as little as 10 minutes a day, but during that time your sole focus is that child. (More info on Connection Time) I have seen parents take just this step and in short order have an amazing transformation in the level of cooperation and the reduction of “in fighting”.

If you are already doing this and kids are still fighting, don’t panic, this is not unusual. When you hear kids fighting, walk slowly (unless they are hurting each other), remain completely calm. This is not your problem to fix. As parents we always do our best to keep everyone safe, that is our job, but it is not our job to keep everyone happy. They need to learn how to get along and resolve conflict. When you have walked slowly and you come into the situation. Never take sides! Have as little reaction as you can possibly have, let them tell the story and respond with things like, “Hmm, that’s interesting.” “Wow, what are you guys going to do?” Put the responsibility to resolve the issue in their hands.

Question of the week: How can I keep the peace inside me even when my kids are in conflict?

By Dr. Caron Goode

For many parents, even the thought of holiday shopping is enough to make their blood pressure quickly rise.

In addition to the financial pressures that come along with purchasing gifts for what seems to be a growing number of people each year, parents often feel pressure to buy bigger and better gifts and to be sure that those gifts don’t leave their children with the slightest hint of disappointment come Christmas morn.  

Unfortunately for many parents, it’s often them who feel the bittersweet disappointment as they watch their children “ooh and ahh” with excitement over a freshly opened gift, only to see it get lost in the stack of others, never to resurface or capture their child’s attention again.

By the end of the holiday season the realization slowly sets in. A lot of money was spent for the moment and the children received too much to truly enjoy anything.  Parents across the country vow not to make the same mistake the following year, but once the holiday music begins to play, the pressures settle in and last year’s vows are long forgotten.

In an economy where everyone is trying to keep their purse strings pulled tight, parents have a real opportunity to approach their holiday giving a little differently each year.

It’s no secret that we live in a culture of abundance and of immediate gratification.   It’s also no secret that our abundance and our need to have things “here and now” takes a toll on the people, places and things around us. 

The holiday season provides the perfect opportunity to teach children how our gift giving practices affect our environment. It opens the door to talk about waste, excess and the difference between wants and needs. It also gives us the opportunity to teach children that a new item purchased from a store isn’t the only kind of gift worth giving.

As you prepare your holiday shopping list for family and friends, talk about these things and consider what creative environmentally gifts you can give to those on your list.

Here’s are 5 eco-friendly holiday gift ideas to get your started.

Homemade Skin Care Products. Everyone can use a little pampering around the holiday season! Luxury skin care products are something that many people have a hard time buying, but an easy time receiving and enjoying.

To make a simple all purpose scrub, combine Sea Salt with Aloe Vera gel.  If desired, add your favorite scent of essential oil to the mixture. Package in a cleaned jelly jar or other glass container you have set aside for recycling. Affix a handmade label with instructions stating “Gently rub onto skin to exfoliate.  Let sit for one minute. Rinse well.”  Punch a hole in the label and fasten around the collar of the jar using a ribbon. 

Handmade Gifts. From baking to drawing to knitting, most anyone can create a homemade gift. Perhaps you have a knack for knitting. Take the time to pass down the art and knit socks or hats with your older child to give as gifts. If you are looking for the perfect gift for an elderly family member, consider recording yourself reading a book on tape.  Maybe a recording of your children singing Christmas carols or an art project made entirely by them would be a heartfelt gift that would really brighten someone’s day.  Giving homemade gifts provides you with an opportunity to show your children that there’s more to a gift than a price tag. It’s often homemade gifts that are remembered forever.

Eco-friendly Purchases.  If you’re dying to buy something new for a family member, consider making an eco-friendly purchase. From purchasing clothing and linens made of environmentally friendly Bamboo fibers (which also have anti-bacterial properties) to purchasing gift baskets made from organically grown local produce, shop with your children and teach them how to evaluate their purchasing choices.

Gift Certificates for Services. Do you know someone that needs a hand raking leaves in the fall? Or a maid for a day before an upcoming party they’re hosting? Perhaps a babysitter so a favorite couple can have a night out on the town? Does your child always ask you to make a favorite special treat? Consider giving a gift certificate that entitles the bearer to something they value, need or long for.  In addition to teaching children that sometimes “it’s worth the wait” you’ll reinforce that when it comes to gift giving, it really is the thought that counts.

Donations to Charities.  When shopping for the person who seems to have everything, consider giving a donation to a charity in their name. There are all types of reputable charities out there and chances are, you can find one that the person you’re shopping for would greatly appreciate it. Websites like guidestar.org can help you search for the right charity and evaluate the ones you are interested in giving to for financial integrity.

For families who gather together for an annual holiday party and traditionally give a gift to everyone present, a Yankee Swap can be a great way to incorporate affordable and eco-friendly gift giving. Last year, one family I know had a used paperback theme and everyone brought a book they had recently read and enjoyed.  

Once you’ve decided on the perfect gift, don’t stop there. Use the three R’s, renew, reuse and recycle when considering how you’ll package your holiday gifts. Consider using one of these eco-friendly gift wrapping ideas:

•     Cut open paper bags and decorate them using paint, crayons, stamps and stickers. Have a family fun night decorating wrapping paper for all of your holiday gifts.

•     Use old magazines, maps and calendars as creative gift wrap.

•     Gather up any unused fabric you have lying around the house and use it to dress up your gifts.  Place the gift in the center of the fabric, pull up the sides, and fasten with an elastic or ribbon.

As you enjoy preparing for this holiday season evaluate your gift giving styles and see if there’s room a change. Opportunity is knocking and if you open the door, you (and your pocketbook) won’t be sorry!

Dr. Caron Goode is a well-respected leader in the parent coaching industry as the founder of the Academy for Coaching Parents International (www.academyforcoachingparents.com) that trains students in the empowerment model of parent coaching, Dr. Goode has shared her holistic approach to achieving parenting success and managing family relationships in magazines, newspapers and radio. Her most recent books include The Art and Science of Coaching Parents and award-winning Raising Intuitive Children. (www.raisingintuitivechildren.com)

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By The damaging “Hook-Up” culture is powerful and parents need to understand the decisions their children are faced with before they can be influential leaders.
 
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Many years ago Ram Dass wrote a book titled Be Here Now and this concept has been presented again and again by many great authors. The idea that for many of us our awareness is seldom in the current moment.

This is one of the many things we can learn from our children. Small children almost exclusively have their awareness in the present. They also have a great sense of where our awareness is when we are interacting with them.

Children need our time and attention and that time can be more joyful for us and them if we are able to drop all of the other stuff in our lives while we are playing with our kids. I recommend for parents to have special one on one time with each of their children each day, 10 minutes or more if possible. During that special time, drop everything else, if the phone rings let it go, if you get a text let it go, if there’s a fire put it out, but otherwise let your child be your sole focus for that time.

Doing this consistently will go a long way in deepening the level of connection you and your child feel. People who feel connected treat each other with respect and cooperation, that is just a small part of the benefit to spending special time with kids.

This week ask yourself, “What can I do to be present and connected with my kids?”

Danielle Koprowski
Free To Be Parenting Support
ACPI Certified Coach for Parents
www.freetobeparenting.com