by Danielle Koprowski

My Dad had two sayings I remember very distinctly from my childhood. The first was “I may not always be right, but I am never wrong.” The second, “I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.” As you can imagine for a man who used these phrases often, it was rather impossible for him to admit a mistake and I am certain that the words, “I am sorry” never crossed his lips in my presence.

Never being able to admit fault and apologize is a very painful way to go though life, it is truly detrimental to relationships. Let that not be you.

For some of us, as parents, it is very difficult to admit fault and apologize to our kids, especially if your models (your parents) were anything like mine. But it can be really freeing when we are able to do this because we no longer have to be perfect, to be right all the time (or pretend that we are) and we have a way to repair our mis-steps with our kids.

Be the model for your children that teaches, it is okay to make mistakes and you can repair relationships with the words, “I am sorry.”

Question of the week: Is it a challenge for me to apologize to my kids? If so, what can I do about it?

Danielle Koprowski
Free To Be Parenting Support
ACPI Certified Coach for Parents
www.freetobeparenting.com

by Danielle Koprowski

I had an amazing, terrifying experience today. My son, who will be 6 in one week, ran out in front of a car. Thankfully, he made it across but the incident was terrifying to me and the driver of the car. The situation is mystifying to me as in all of his 6 years he has never ran out like this. I have long since given up holding hands, although we do at times, because he has always been so conscientious, safe, aware and responsive to my direction.

Now for me as a parent coach this is where the rubber meets the road, literally. How do I react to this?

I am proud and happy to say that I kept my cool! I asked him why and quickly understood that it was an error in judgment on his part. I explained to him with great concern how dangerous the situation was, but I also let him know that we all make mistakes, that I understood, that it was okay to make mistakes and how grateful I was that he was okay.

On the drive home I was thinking about what I could do or say that would make sure that he never make that kind of mistake again. This is why we sometimes “freak out” about a situation like this or why people resort to punishment (I must do something to the child that is painful enough to insure he will not do that again). It’s all about trying to control the uncontrollable.

There truly is nothing I can do that will guarantee he never makes that mistake again. And the many things that I could do (yell, scream, try to scare him about it) may strike fear great enough to make it improbable but at what cost? Would it be him going though his life feeling that it is not okay to make a mistake, that he always has to be right? That’s pricey.

I could say to him a million times, “it’s okay to make mistakes”, but if I “freak out” when he does, the message is crystal clear that really, it’s not.

Danielle Koprowski
Free To Be Parenting Support
ACPI Certified Coach for Parents
www.freetobeparenting.com

By Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D.

A few weeks ago, a boy named “Falcon” was thought to have been
launched thousands of feet in the air while inside a “flying saucer”
[a balloon filled with helium].  The incident later turned out to be a
“publicity stunt.” During the balloon’s flight, I got to thinking
about how we launch our children into adulthood.  How do we equip our
children with the necessary character traits that will allow them to
become adults who are fulfilled and thriving?

In his book, “Courage, the backbone of leadership,” Gus Lee with
Diane Elliott-Lee writes, “In our families, universities, schools,
communities, and institutions, we accidentally canceled our central
national life quality program — character development.” Recent
scandals in business, the financial world and politics seem to clearly
demonstrate that as a nation, we have neglected to launch our kids
into adulthood with the character qualities required to reflect a
“national character” based on time-honored values. 

Lee goes on to write, “…we have treated the observations of Moses,
Aristotle, and Confucius as academic trivia questions instead of as
demonstrated truths defining the quality of life.  We actually began
to believe that we no longer needed wisdom.” 

What is some of that wisdom we need to give to our children?  Lee
believes it is contained in two “simple concepts.”  According to him,
principled behavior as adults has two parts: “(1) the establishment of
high core values and (2) courageous behaviors in alignment with those
core values.”

What are some of those “core values” principled parents want to
instill in their children?  Here are a few suggestions.

1. Through your actions, demonstrate to your children, the courage to
stand for those values that have been advocated for thousands of
years.  Aristotle once taught that “courage virtue” was not only the
foundation for happiness, it was the essence of life itself.

2. Learn from the experience of others…those less fortunate than
you as well as from those more fortunate.  It will allow you to
strengthen your compassion for all.

3. Treat all relationships as precious.  It is only within our
relationships that we are able to become fully human… and humane. 
Life is not really about you.  It is about the quality of the
relationships you have and how you contribute to it.

4. Work through any negative habits and “issues” as soon as you can. 
From your childhood, take only those mental, emotional, spiritual and
behavioral habits that equally serve your own best interests and the
best interests of everyone else.  Subordinate your own ego for the
benefit of the larger community.

5. Strive to enhance and improve your emotional intelligence.  
Sometimes, your heart will serve you in ways better than knowledge and
rationality can.

6. Become aware that the “worst of times” can teach you valuable
lessons, reveal important insights, and open you to positive growth.

7. Keep a balance between humility and self-confidence.  Listen! 
Listen to yourself.  Listen more to heroes of history.  Listen to your
parents, your teachers, your colleagues and your intuition.

8. Develop those character qualities that will allow you to trust
yourself in all situations.

9. Demand excellent conduct from others…beginning with yourself and
your own behavior.

10. Practice the virtue of behaving toward others in precisely the
same manner as you want them to treat you.  That is the “golden rule”
of life itself.

If we practiced the above “wise values,” not only could we change
the nature of our national character, we would launch our children
into a thriving adulthood.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Dr. Thomas is a licensed psychologist, author, speaker, and life
coach.  He serves on the faculty of the International University of
Professional Studies. He recently co-authored (with Patrick Williams)
the book: “Total Life Coaching: 50+ Life Lessons, Skills and
Techniques for Enhancing Your Practice…and Your Life!” (W.W. Norton
2005) It is available at your local bookstore or on Amazon.com.
 
Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D. has 30+ years experience as a Life Coach and
Licensed Psychologist.  He is available for coaching in any area
presented in “Practical Life Coaching” (formerly “Practical
Psychology”).  Initial coaching sessions are free.  E-mail: DrLloyd@CreatingLeaders.com or LJTDAT@aol.com.

By Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D.

It costs so much to become a whole human being that there are very
few who have the enlightenment or the courage, to pay the price.  One
has to abandon altogether the search for certainty and security, and
reach out with both arms to embrace life with energy and passion. 
Like a lover, one has to embrace the world and their being alive
within it. One has to accept both pain and pleasure as a condition of
existence.  One has to accept doubt and darkness as the cost of
learning and having new experiences.  One needs a will that is strong
but flexible, and one that is always open to accept every consequence
of their choices and actions.  Only when we embrace dying as a certain
aspect of living do we stand of chance of creating success.  I define
success as “any state or condition with which you are content.”  There
is a psychological price people must pay for being at peace within
themselves and being content with their lives.

Today, most people I know are rather desperately seeking inner peace
and contentment.  They are unhappy with their marriages, their jobs
(or lack of one), their children, their finances, the economy, their
“lot in life.”  They are unhappy with themselves.  They long for inner
peace and happiness.  They believe “happiness” to be a goal.  They are
not aware that happiness is a byproduct of the way of life they
create.  They seek inner peace, but are unaware of the price it costs.
Here is a partial list of some of the costs for inner peace.

ITEM 1: You must practice thinking and acting spontaneously and in
the present, rather than from fears or resentments rooted in your past
experience.  Even if that experience was yesterday!

ITEM 2: You must give up your clinging to negative emotions and
develop an unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.

ITEM 3: You must lose all interest in judging others, as well as lose
the habit of judging yourself.  Negatively judging or criticism of
yourself or others only generates inner turmoil.

ITEM 4: You need to lose all interest in interpreting the thoughts,
actions, and feelings of others.  Your interpretation is always
distorted.

ITEM 5: You will lose interest in winning conflicts and aggressively
attacking others in order to “win” your point or your position.

ITEM 6: You will need to give up your ability to worry or become
anxious over conditions you cannot control.

ITEM 7: You will have to immediately let go of frustrations and
resentments when they occur within, and replace them with empathy and
compassion.

ITEM 8: You will need to give up the tendency to be in control and
learn to let things happen rather than force them or “make them
happen.”

ITEM 9: You must give up the illusion you can change how others
choose, how they think, how they feel and how they behave.

ITEM 10: You must tolerate more frequent and overwhelming episodes of
appreciation for yourself and others.

ITEM 11: You will need to learn to be fully satisfied with feelings
of connectedness with other human beings and with nature.

ITEM 12: You will have to quit the habit of frowning and replace it
with smiles and (of all things) “cheerfulness.”

ITEM 13: You must give up your fear and denial of death and allow it
to become a natural part of being alive.

ITEM 14: You will have to develop a regular habit of enjoying the
condition of being alive.

ITEM 15: Above all you will have to tolerate and sustain an increase
in your desire to love yourself and others as precious human beings.

ITEM 16: Most of all, you will have to modify your thinking habits,
your emotional habits, and your addictions so they support the
creation of the life you genuinely desire.

It is obvious the price list for inner peace is rather long and tends
to pose a serious threat to human hate, violence, rage, injustice, and
war.  Are you willing to pay the price for it?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
 
Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D. has 30+ years experience as a Life Coach and
Licensed Psychologist.  He is available for coaching in any area
presented in “Practical Life Coaching” (formerly “Practical
Psychology”).  Initial coaching sessions are free.  E-mail: DrLloyd@CreatingLeaders.com or LJTDAT@aol.com.

By Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D.

One of the truths about this world is that everything changes. 
The only dynamic that doesn’t change is the process of change itself. 
Coping with change always increases our level of stress.  The stress
response is designed to aid us to cope with change, be it positive or
negative change.

Some changes are predictable and allow us to adapt rather quickly
and without much stress.  Other changes just come at us unexpectedly
and dramatically increase our stress response.

Life altering changes are inevitable and normal. We know that there
is a direct correlation between how we adapt to stress and our health.
Here are some helpful strategies for handling the stress of change.

In his book, “Finding Peace,” Jean Vanier writes, “We can find the
road to hope and peace in our world if we open ourselves to change
…and break down the walls around our hearts.”  Here are 15 simple
but important tips for opening yourself to all the changes that
inevitably occur.  Perhaps some of these tips will help to open you to
adapt to change and “break down the walls around” your heart.  They
might also help you restore a sense of calm and peace of mind.

1.  Predict & plan for change when ever possible.

2.  Address changes issues before they become overwhelming.

3.  Write down and prioritize personal and work-related goals and
tasks.

4.  Be sure to take time for daily physical activity.

5.  Do not skip meals, eat slowly while sitting and rarely (if ever)
resort  to eating “fast food.”

6.  Delegate household chores to other family members or hire someone
to do them.

7.  Take regular short breaks to practice abdominal breathing,
muscular relaxation, or meditation.

8.  Modify all negative thought patterns, and silence your internal
critical dialogue.  We know that what you say to yourself makes a
great difference in your stress level.

9.  Accept that change is constant and inevitable.  It is usually a
sign of growth.

10. Learn to recognize the types of life changes that increase your
stress level and what your specific stress “triggers” are.

11. Learn the warning signs of too much stress, (e.g. anxiety,
disturbed sleep patterns, irritability or unexpected mood swings.

12. Develop and maintain a strong support system of family and
friends you can turn to when major changes occur or your stress level
becomes too high.

13. Identify and practice healthy strategies for dealing with the
changes and stressors that you can influence/control.

14. Strengthen your “resilience skills,” that help you cope well with
changes that you regard as “hardship.”

15. Be compassionate and patient with yourself.  Treat yourself as
you would a loved child.  How well you deal with change/stress is not
a reflection of your character.

You probably already have a large number of skills to manage
your changes and your stress level.  If you are still alive, you have
already managed well the changes in your life before.  It is also
important to keep in mind that during times of great change and
extreme stress or crisis, you need to consider getting professional
help.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Dr. Thomas is a licensed psychologist, author, speaker, and life
coach.  He serves on the faculty of the International University of
Professional Studies. He recently co-authored (with Patrick Williams)
the book: “Total Life Coaching: 50+ Life Lessons, Skills and
Techniques for Enhancing Your Practice…and Your Life!” (W.W. Norton
2005) It is available at your local bookstore or on Amazon.com.

If you found the above column useful, feel free to share it with
friends.

Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D. has 30+ years experience as a Life Coach and
Licensed Psychologist.  He is available for coaching in any area
presented in “Practical Life Coaching” (formerly “Practical
Psychology”).  Initial coaching sessions are free.  E-mail: DrLloyd@CreatingLeaders.com or LJTDAT@aol.com.

By Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D.

The issue/debate about reforming our healthcare system has dominated
our news media for a very long time.  One aspect of such reform is to
encourage “prevention.”  Very little attention has been paid to
strengthening each individual’s natural healing system.

“The greatest force in the human body is the natural drive of the
body to heal itself…” wrote Norman Cousins after he had recovered
from a “terminal” illness.  Certainly, medicine, professional
diagnosis and treatment are important, sometimes vital, aspects of
becoming well.  But medical science still remains ignorant as to
precisely why some people “spontaneously” heal while others succumb to
disease.  Indeed, the healing process itself remains a rather
mysterious event.

We do know however, that the individual person has a lot more power
and control over his or her own healing than was ever acknowledged
before.  Here are some “hints” which might help you realize your own
power and ability to help you heal.

1.  Practice acceptance of your illness.  Acceptance of your illness
is not the same as resigning yourself to it.  Resignation can lead to
depression and depression is not a very healing attitude.  When you
are ill, acceptance of disease as a part of you at the moment, will
allow you to create in yourself the atmosphere of caring, tenderness,
and love in which your illness is more likely to heal.  It also allows
energy to be freed for other activities, other interests, other
thoughts to remain a part of your life, even while “being sick.”

2.  View illness not as a loss, but as an opportunity for new growth
and development.  If a starfish loses one of its “arms,” it merely
goes about growing another.  If a salamander loses its tail, its
primitive nervous system begins regenerating another immediately.
Certainly our human nervous systems are more sophisticated than those
of a starfish or salamander.  When we heal, we grow new tissue, new
nerves, and new cells.  Why not grow new ideas, new attitudes, new
ways of viewing ourselves and the world, and new loves, while you are
also healing physically?  If you begin to grow psychologically in
response to your losses, you may just not need to have a physical
illness in order to evolve or grow.

3.  See your illness as your body’s attempt to redirect your life in
a positive direction.  Avoid harshly judging your illness and
resenting your body for having it.  Avoid judging yourself altogether!
Your body is always valiantly trying to be well.  It has powerful
tools in its biochemical, cellular, and nervous repertoire to regain
its healthful balance.  If you are positive and peaceful about your
own ability to be well, then illness just becomes a “redirection” of
your life.  Someone once said, “Illness is God’s way of getting your
attention!” Pay attention to that message and allow it to redirect
your life.

4.  Realize that death is not a disease, and it is not a failure.
The death rate for all living beings is still one hundred per cent.
If staying alive is your only goal, you will most certainly fail at
attaining it.  Once you begin to accept the inevitability of your own
death and realize you only have a limited amount of time to experience
being alive, you begin to become aware you might as well enjoy (as
best as you possibly can) the moment-to-moment experience of
aliveness, including your illness or pain,.

5.  Avoid making physical wholeness your goal.  Nobody exists with a
perfect physical body.  Our functioning varies from moment to moment
and certainly from day to day.  A lot of people heal into peace of
mind and self-love, without ever becoming physically well.  Perhaps
making your goals your own inner peace, your own ability to forgive
and love yourself just might promote your healing a lot faster than
self-hate, self-criticism, and resentment toward your illness.  Use
your illness as a situation to learn about hope, love, acceptance,
forgiveness, peace of mind, openness to living, and mindfulness to the
moment.  In doing so, you just may make the disease remit in the
process.

6.  Our bodies respond to self-love and the love sent to us by
others.  If you send your own body loving messages, and if you are
open to receive the love of others, your body’s immune system responds
with something like “Hey, this person likes being alive, lets get to
work and fight for his or her life with all the power and energy we
can muster.” Negative thoughts produce certain chemicals in our
bodies…positive thoughts produce another kind of chemicals.  The
latter strengthens the immune system.  The former weakens it.

       7. Finally, use your body, use the life in your body to love.
Loving is the only path to immortality.  Your love lives on long after
you physically die.  If you spend most of your life hating, you spend
most of it dying.  If you spend it loving, you leave a legacy of peace
and development to all those persons you touch with your love.  A
legacy of love.  What a gift to offer future generations!  Spend most
of your life loving and you will only spend a few brief moments dying.

You have a lot more influence and control over how you heal from any
disease.  Perhaps following the above tips will at least, increase
your personal awareness of that powerful influence we all possess.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Dr. Thomas is a licensed psychologist, author, speaker, and life
coach.  He serves on the faculty of the International University of
Professional Studies. He recently co-authored (with Patrick Williams)
the book: “Total Life Coaching: 50+ Life Lessons, Skills and
Techniques for Enhancing Your Practice…and Your Life!” (W.W. Norton
2005) It is available at your local bookstore or on Amazon.com.

Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D. has 30+ years experience as a Life Coach and
Licensed Psychologist.  He is available for coaching in any area
presented in “Practical Life Coaching” (formerly “Practical
Psychology”).  Initial coaching sessions are free.  E-mail: DrLloyd@CreatingLeaders.com or LJTDAT@aol.com.

By Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D.

The mental health profession is beginning to recognize the need for
people to include their spiritual life in any treatment or therapy
they might seek.  Until recently, the term “spirit” conjured up
concepts such as ghosts, mental aberrations, religious beliefs or
cults.  Now, however, science is beginning to acknowledge the
importance of body energy, its energy fields and what psychological
factors modify such fields.  Some of these factors have previously
been exclusively the domain of “spiritual” people.  Not so anymore!

The value of a healthy spiritual life is being recognized by almost
everyone who has had any experience addressing the psychological, or
mental and emotional problems of others.  Clinical psychologist and
Buddhist monk, Jack Kornfield, in his book, “A Path With Heart”
writes: “When I began working at a state mental hospital while
studying for my Ph.D., I naively thought I might teach meditation to
some of the patients.  It quickly became obvious that meditation was
not what they needed.

“But then I discovered a whole large population at this hospital who
desperately needed meditation: the psychiatrists, psychologists,
social workers, psychiatric nurses, mental health aides, and others. 
…Not many among these caregivers seemed to know firsthand in their
own psyches the powerful forces that the patients were encountering,
yet this is a very basic lesson in meditation: facing our own greed,
unworthiness, rage, paranoia, and grandiosity, and the opening of
wisdom and fearlessness beyond these forces.  The staff could all have
greatly benefited from meditation as a way of facing within themselves
the psychic forces that were unleashed in their patients.  From this
they would have brought a new understanding and compassion to their
work and their patients.”

All traditional spiritual paths, some practiced for thousands of
years, seek to transform and liberate consciousness.  There are
generally two very different approaches on how to accomplish this. 
One traditional view teaches that we need to attain profoundly altered
states of consciousness in order to discover a “transcendent” vision
of what life is all about.  The stereotype of this spiritual seeker is
one who goes to the cave or mountaintop, withdraws from the world,
meditates for hours on end, and finally becomes “enlightened.” This
view is referred to as the “transcendent path of spirituality.” And
certainly, the value of this way is the great inspiration and forceful
vision it can bring to our lives.

The second great spiritual view is called the “path of spiritual
immanence.  This school teaches that one needs to bring the value of
spiritual awakening down from the mountain and inject it in every
moment of our daily lives.  It believes that we need to infuse our
whole life with a sense of the sacred and truly live from moment to
moment fully involved in the daily activities we each encounter.

Both of these spiritual traditions, have certain psychologically
beneficial and healthy aspects.  Almost any spiritual tradition
contains certain “truths” and methods for realizing them.

Regardless of which religious or mystical path one chooses, the
benefits one derives from pursuit of a spiritual practice can include:

—-The development of compassion for self and others.  Such
compassion is based not on seeking some ideal of perfection.  Rather
it is simply based on the capacity to “Let go and to love, to open the
heart to all that Is.”

——The strengthening of the human virtues of kindness, patience,
flexibility, self–awareness and self–acceptance, understanding,
wisdom and knowledge.

——Probably the best psychological benefit of spiritual pursuits
is the loss of fear.  As one’s spiritual life evolves, his fear
diminishes.  Almost all common psychological problems are
fundamentally based on fear.  Lose your fear, and you become
spiritually well.  Become spiritually mature and you lose your fear.

As a mental health professional, I can attest to the value of these
traditional spiritual endeavors.  Hopefully, we will continue to seek
out their benefits to us as living beings.  Perhaps we are actually
spiritual beings creating a physical experience, rather than a
physical being seeking a spiritual experience.  Wouldn’t that shift in
perception transform your life?! Such a transformation in everyone’s
self-concept might just save the human species from extinction.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Dr. Thomas is a licensed psychologist, author, speaker, and life
coach.  He serves on the faculty of the International University of
Professional Studies. He recently co-authored (with Patrick Williams)
the book: “Total Life Coaching: 50+ Life Lessons, Skills and
Techniques for Enhancing Your Practice…and Your Life!” (W.W. Norton
2005) It is available at your local bookstore or on Amazon.com.

Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D. has 30+ years experience as a Life Coach and
Licensed Psychologist.  He is available for coaching in any area
presented in “Practical Life Coaching” (formerly “Practical
Psychology”). E-mail: DrLloyd@CreatingLeaders.com or LJTDAT@aol.com.

By Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D.

Effective communication is the foundation for all satisfactory
relationships.  Daily communication is the only activity that has been
found to be common to all satisfying marital relationships.  Truthful
communication is the basis for the development of “basic trust” (the
primary emotion for healthy parent/child relationships).  Most all
leaders are gifted communicators.  Without successful communication,
we don’t become fully human.  Our language skills are what separates
us from all other species.

By the time we become adults, most of us have experienced (or have
personally developed) barriers to effective communication.  These
barriers distort/prevent our communication abilities.  Here are some
of the most common barriers to effective communication.

PASSIVITY. Communication requires energy. It requires initiation and
responsiveness. If you remain passive, communication is slow at best.

DOMINANCE. If you dominate the communication process, it becomes a
“one-way street”, and prevents responses. Domination may be by words,
behavior, tone, threat, perceived authority, or manipulation.

INAPPROPRIATE SELF-DISCLOSURE. Talking about yourself rather than
responding from yourself, usually changes the subject or focus of the
communication.

INTERROGATION OR GRILLING. Protecting yourself from meaningful
contact by any one of the following patterns:

 a.  Internal taboo against crying (emotional expression).
 b.  Talking exclusively about safe topics.
 c.  Avoiding your own uncomfortable issues.
 d.  Offering false reassurance.
 e.  Emotionally detaching from the topic or person.
 f.  Intellectualization (a common favorite).

USING CRUDE LANGUAGE. May be powerful, but usually turns others off.

USING JARGON. Using words that belong exclusively to your area of
expertise… “legalese”, medicalese,” or “psychologese.”

MORALIZING OR ADMONISHING. Imposing your own value judgments on
another’s verbalizations or telling another that s/he or the ideas are
wrong, bad, etc.

PATRONIZING. Condescending words, tone, or behavior as if you were
talking to a person of less value than yourself always makes the other
feel defensive and blocks communication.

INEPT CONFRONTATION. Arguing or being dogmatic in your language or
attitude.

PRESSURE TACTICS. Using threat, implied or explicit, to persuade the
other regarding the topic.

INSENSITIVITY TO FEELINGS. Being callous or unaware of your own
feelings as well as the other to whom you are communicating.

As you may have noted from all the above, there are many and varied
behaviors that hinder skillful communication.  As you become more
aware of such barriers, you have the opportunity to avoid engaging in
them.

In a future column, I will list a number of behaviors that
enhance/strengthen effective communication.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D. has 30+ years experience as a Life Coach and
Licensed Psychologist.  He is available for coaching in any area
presented in “Practical Life Coaching” (formerly “Practical
Psychology”).  Initial coaching sessions are free.  E-mail: DrLloyd@CreatingLeaders.com or LJTDAT@aol.com.

By Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D.

The best way to “reform the health care system” is to take full
responsibility for your “wellness.”  When you take charge of your own
wellness, you not only increase the prevention of illness, you also
optimize your health and well-being.  When you make wellness choices,
you also strengthen your own healing system.  We all have a healing
system.  There are a couple obvious indicators that this is true.  One
is the action of the “placebo effect,” which is when you “cure”
yourself from disease without the aid of any known medicine or
treatment.  A second fact that points to a healing system is that
there is no known illness from which at least some people have been
healed without any help outside their own bodies.  Your wellness
actions enhance your healing system.

The topic of “wellness” is an outgrowth of the realization that there
is more to being healthy than the absence of illness.  Like
“sickness,” wellness is difficult to define. Wellness in an ongoing
process of fully living. Here are some definitions/ideas about it.
WELLNESS IS:

A CHOICE — A decision you make to move toward optimal health.

A WAY OF LIVING — A lifestyle you design to achieve your highest
potential for your own well-being.

A PROCESS — A realization that you never “arrive” at optimal health,
but that health and happiness are evolutionary processes.

LIVING NOW — In the moment, the present time. Actually, the eternal
present is all we have ever directly experience anyway. So, you might
as well keep your awareness from moment to moment.

AN EFFICIENT CHANNELING OF ENERGY — We are an open energy system. We
receive food, air, water, and sensory input from the environment,
transform these within our bodies, anal send the energy out to affect
the world outside ourselves in the form of heat or movement.

THE INTEGRATION OF BODY, MIND, AND SPIRIT — The appreciation that
everything you do, think, feel, and believe, has an impact on your
state of health. We are a unity. We are a part of the universe in
which we live. We cannot be broken up into parts and remain human.

LOVING ACCEPTANCE OF YOURSELF — Learning to love your whole self .

TAKING CHARGE OF YOUR LIFE — Becoming responsible for your own life,
living in the present, becoming aware of process, and channeling your
life-energy in all you think, feel, say, and do.

BREATHING, COMMUNICATING, EATING, PLAYING, WORKING, FINDING MEANING,
MOVING, TRANSCENDING, THINKING, SENSING, FEELING, CREATING, LIVING
FULLY EVERY MINUTE.

When you enhance your wellness choices/behaviors, you maximize your
enjoyment of being alive!

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Dr. Thomas is a licensed psychologist, author, speaker, and life
coach.  He serves on the faculty of the International University of
Professional Studies. He recently co-authored (with Patrick Williams)
the book: “Total Life Coaching: 50+ Life Lessons, Skills and
Techniques for Enhancing Your Practice…and Your Life!” (W.W. Norton
2005) It is available at your local bookstore or on Amazon.com.

By Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D.

Surviving the teen-age years of your offspring can be as difficult
as going through adolescence all over again yourself.  Life for your
teenager is entirely different than when you and I were their age. 
But some of the underlying principles and values have remained the
same.  Here are what I believe to be some very important principles in
creatively surviving the teenage years of your children.

1.  Trust them implicitly and watch them like a hawk.

You need to be “two-headed” about this one.  Your child needs and
deserves your trust while at the same time still needs your protection
and guidance. A key to understanding your teenager (and their
self-concept) is knowing who her/his friends are.  When chauffeuring
your teenager and her/his friends, listen to their conversations. 
Make a point of getting to know the parents of your child’s friends. 
Allow your son or daughter to bring their friends home.  In fact,
encourage the use of your house as a meeting place.  Remember, you
can’t watch them like a hawk unless you can see them!

2. Lead by example, or to put it another way, walk your talk.

Teenagers are very sensitive to hypocrisy in adults.  Make sure that
your actions are consistent with your own values.  They are watching
you to see how well your values are working for you.  For example, if
you preach honesty and then cheat on your income taxes, you send a
mixed message to your child.  If you want to raise your teenager to
become an honest adult, be one yourself.  You need to be clear about
what you value.  Your actions will communicate “louder” than your
admonishments and punishments.

3. Pick and choose your battles.

Is blue hair/a bald head/a pierced eyebrow really so terrible? 
Remember long, unwashed hair/bellbottoms/love beads?  Your kids need
room to experiment with who they are just as you did when you were a
teenager.  For behavior that is dangerous, inconsiderate, vindictive,
intolerant…draw your battle lines and stand your ground.  Maintain
confidence in yourself and the values you hold, regardless of how much
they seen to be attacked by your teenager.  However uncomfortable it
is for you, testing your integrity and dependability is one of the
normal tasks of adolescents.  Don’t fire your big guns over small
issues.

4. Be a wall.

Make and maintain as few family rules as is practical.  However,
when your teenager has broken a family rule, be swift and consistent
in implementing the known consequences, or allow the natural
consequences of their chosen actions to occur.  If there is one
message all teenagers need to “get,” it is: there are always, always
consequences to their actions and they have the power to choose their
actions.  If there are two parents in the family, be sure you both can
stand like a wall for your teenager, either together or individually.

5. Develop your sense of humor.

Don’t take yourself, or your job as a parent, too seriously.  Look
for, and learn to see the absurdities of daily life.  Laugh a lot. 
Develop your sense of humor…you will need it.  Laughter is a great
stress reliever, and laughing together is a gentle way to strengthen
your relationship between you and your teenager.  Periodically let go
of your role as “parent.”  Often you can afford to be “fun” around
teenagers. 

6. Learn from your children.

Your children are becoming young adults.  They are eager to be
heard even if they do not tell you much about themselves.  They may
know more than you about technology, and how to make it in today’s
world.  One way to connect with your children is to pay attention to
what they are passionate about.  It may be animal rights, music, skate
boarding, drama… Whatever it is, become a student…their student. 
Without trying to change or control them, ask them about the political
demonstration they are participating in, the music they enjoy
listening to or playing, the skills they have learned while skate
boarding.  Attend their plays, sporting events, and recitals.  You may
not initially understand their passions, but you can become a student
and learn to appreciate their skills and their interests.  You may
even find that you have something in common to talk about!  Become
your teenager’s greatest fan.  Don’t play their games.  Only coach
them if asked to do so.  Stay in the bleachers.  Cheer them on.  Stay
off their playing field.

7. Honor their individuality.

Avoid comparisons.  Comparing your teenager to one of their older or
younger siblings, to the way you were when you were their age, or to a
friend or neighbor’s child, implies that your teenager is in some way
the same as other individuals.  Remember, they are a one-of-a-kind. 
Celebrate and value their uniqueness.

8. Loving them unconditionally doesn’t mean that you always have to
like them.

Just as distinguishing between who they are and the behavior in
which they engage, loving versus liking is an important distinction
for parents to understand.  Your son or daughter may at times behave
pretty “unlikeably.”  If the context of the relationship with your
teenager is that they know you love who they are unconditionally, you
can let your teenager know what they do that you don’t like, without
damaging your relationship with them.  In fact, teenagers have a reputation
for trying to behave unacceptably from time-to-time.  Let them know
that you love them, AND that a specific behavior is unacceptable.  Be
consistent, fair, and swift implementing the known consequences for their
unacceptable behavior.
9. Don’t ask to be included, but if you are invited say “yes.”

Your child is beginning the process of separating from you.  You
need to begin the process of letting go of them.  Teenagers need to
exclude their parents from much of their lives, if they are to
eventually leave home as autonomous adults.  The hallmark of good
parenting is how well your offspring are able to happily function
without you.  They need to exclude you in order to successfully
separate from you.  However, if they extend an invitation to you to do
something together, say “yes.”  There is no greater gift they can give
you than the gift of themselves.

10. Plan for your obsolescence.

Your years actively parenting are coming to a close.  Your teenager
is putting you out of a job.  It is a bittersweet transition.  To
succeed as a parent your children must ultimately leave you to create
their own lives.  What future will you create for yourself when the
nest is empty?  Plan for and create your own lifestyle without them. 
Your ability to let go and to look forward to the next phase of your
life will help your teenager to separate from you and take the next
step toward independence and into young adulthood.  One of the last
great gifts you can offer your teenager is the example of how to live
a fulfilled and happy life of your own.

11.  Listen.  Actively listen.  And listen some more.

Listening to a teenager is like hugging a child.  It validates them.
It makes them feel valued and loved.  It affirms their importance to
you.  Listen, not with the intention to reply, to change their minds,
to control them, or to change their behavior.  Listen with the intent
to understand!  Become genuinely curious and interested in what is
going on inside your teenager.  What they are feeling.  What they are
thinking.  And listen to them to update your knowledge of them.  They
are rapidly changing.  Listen for those changes. 

12.  With pride and acknowledgment, quit your job as parent.

Take pride in your accomplishments as a parent.  Acknowledge your
teenagers as the fine, developing adults they are becoming.  Then
gradually abdicate your role as their parent(s).  They need to
practice being their own best parent.  They will imitate you, if you
have been their best parent.  They do not need to be controlled by
you.  They need your love and support, and the permission to become
adults in their own right.  They won’t unless you quit your job as
their parent.

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Dr. Thomas is a licensed psychologist, author, speaker, and life
coach.  He serves on the faculty of the International University of
Professional Studies. He recently co-authored (with Patrick Williams)
the book: “Total Life Coaching: 50+ Life Lessons, Skills and
Techniques for Enhancing Your Practice…and Your Life!” (W.W. Norton
2005) It is available at your local bookstore or on Amazon.com.
Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D. has 30+ years experience as a Life Coach and
Licensed Psychologist.  He is available for coaching in any area
presented in “Practical Life Coaching” (formerly “Practical
Psychology”).  Initial coaching sessions are free.  E-mail: DrLloyd@CreatingLeaders.com